We all like to offer useful advice to our friends and colleagues.
So what gems of knowledge do you have stored away in your little grey cells ?
Here’s my starter to set the tone 
If a person is choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat,and hey presto !! … blockage is almost instantly removed 
Don’t ■■■■ in the wind!!!
don’t eat yellow snow
Pretend to be a taxi by selotaping an empty cornflakes box to the roof of your car and then perform random u turns with your radio volume turned up to eleven.
Confucius say
“Man who walks sideways through airport turnstile going to Bangkok”
When you are going through [zb]
Keep Going !!!
Bullsh*t baffles brains.
Sharks can smell blood from 900m away.
Never under any circumstances,eat a medium rare steak in the ocean.
Don’t try to tie your shoelaces in a revolving door
Fool your neighbours into thinking you have an expensive gravel drive by filling your shoes with Rice Krispies.
Keep your mobile phone in a shell when driving. Any passing policemen will think you’re simply listening to the sea.
A knot in the oldest stick is the hardest to straighten
Man who go to bed with itchy bum wakes up with stinky finger
the maoster:
Fool your neighbours into thinking you have an expensive gravel drive by filling your shoes with Rice Krispies.
A fellow Viz reader i see!!! Just love the top tips books - insanely amusing. 
When wearing a white suit, avoid standing in front of a dung-throwing machine. 
Absolutely mate. Some of their tips are absolute comic genius.
never try to whistle while eating custard…
phone books make great personal organisers…just cross out the names of people that you don’t know.
one for the ladies…
please always set your alarm clock 15 minutes early to save yourself the complete embarrassment of letting anyone see you trying to run for a bus…
A friends eyes are a good mirror.
never count your chickens before they hatch.
Man who puts hand down inside woman`s blouse sometimes ends up with bust in mouth .
If it drives, flies, sails, or screws - rent it…