Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I ■■■■ the bed. What’s so healthy about that then?
Surely after the first one or two you would have thought…
I think five plums on their own would have a laxative effect, its about variety and balance. Should be more veg than fruit. Doctors actually suggested “nine a day” to get all the goodness you need but decided most people would struggle with five anyway.
Sorry it used to be a religion of mine, 6pack(no not stella) and everything, till I met the mrs who said she preferred me chunkier. More food and more attention from her whos to complain ey? 
I HAVE MY 5 a day and constanly get a sore knob dont think i understood the meaning
cieranc:
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I [zb] the bed. What’s so healthy about that then?
Well you had a colonic or whatever its called and that’s healthy allegedly.
Jam donuts…strawberries in jam thats 1
Cheese and onion crisps …onion thats 2
Meat and potato pie…potato thats 3
Cadburys Fruit and nut…raisins thats 4
Can of 7UP…Lemon and Lime…thats 6
This 5 a days easy 
some more 5 adays…
…chips,they are veg.
…cigarettes, they are a vegetable,they are a leaf.
cieranc:
Doctors say that you should eat 5 pieces of fruit or veg a day to remain healthy. Last week I ate 5 mouldy plums and that night I [zb] the bed. What’s so healthy about that then?
What you moaning at, it cleared you through didn’t it. 
HEALTH Â QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION Â
Q:  I’ve  heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? Â
A:  Your  heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste  them on exercise. Everything wears out eventual. Speeding up your  heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can  extend the life  of  your car  by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a  nap.   Â
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Q:  Should  I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Â
A:  You  must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and  corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass  (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your  recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.  Â
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Q:  Should  I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No,  not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy  is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity  bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer  is also made out of grain. Bottoms  up!  Â
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Q:  How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A:  Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If  you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.  Â
Â
Q: What  are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise  program?
A:  Can’t  think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!  Â
Â
Q:  Aren’t  fried foods bad for you?
A:  YOU’RE  NOT LISTENING!!! …  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re  permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?  Â
Â
Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the  middle? Â
A:  Definitely  not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger!!!. You should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Â
Â
Q:  Is  chocolate bad for me?
A:  Are  you crazy? HELLO  Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food  around!  Â
Â
Q:  Is  swimming good for your figure?
A:  If  swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.  Â
Â
Q:  Is  getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? Â
A: Â Hey! Â ‘Round’ is a shape! Â
Â
Well,  I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have ha  about  food and diets.
And  remember:  "Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid  in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming  “WOO  HOO, What a Ride”
Â
gardun:
HEALTH  QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION ÂQ:  I’ve  heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? Â
A:  Your  heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste  them on exercise. Everything wears out eventual. Speeding up your  heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can  extend the life  of  your car  by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a  nap.   Â
Â
Q:  Should  I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables? Â
A:  You  must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and  corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more  than an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system.  Need grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass  (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your  recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.  Â
Â
Q:  Should  I reduce my alcohol intake?
A:  No,  not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy  is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity  bit so you get even more of the goodness that way.  Beer  is also made out of grain. Bottoms  up!  Â
Â
Q:  How  can I calculate my body/fat ratio?A:  Well,  if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If  you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.  Â
Â
Q: What  are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise  program?A:  Can’t  think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain…Good!  Â
Â
Q:  Aren’t  fried foods bad for you?A:  YOU’RE  NOT LISTENING!!! …  Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they’re  permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?  Â
Â
Q:  Will  sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the  middle? ÂA:  Definitely  not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger!!!. You should only be  doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach. Â
Â
Q:  Is  chocolate bad for me?A:  Are  you crazy? HELLO  Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It’s the best feel-good food  around!  Â
Â
Q:  Is  swimming good for your figure?A:  If  swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.  Â
ÂQ:  Is  getting in-shape important for my lifestyle? Â
A: Â Hey! Â ‘Round’ is a shape! Â
Â
Well,  I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have ha  about  food and diets.And  remember:  "Life  should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving  safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid  in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming  “WOO  HOO, What a Ride”
Â
Very well put
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Glad to be of help