The Secret Diary of Gary Neville - Aged 29¾
Sunday
I’m so excited about tonight I did a wee in the pool today - mum was
wrong about the water going purple 
But I swam next to Philip just in
case.
Am missing Sir but hopefully the postcards will stop him missing me too
much.
Will update later after our glorious win over the cocky French - I shall
wipe that smile off silly Robert Pires’ face with his silly facial hair.
Bet he wishes he had a proper moustache like me. And bet he wishes he
plays for the best club in the whole wide world.
Later: Not fair, not fair, not fair. I hate Scousers and I told Mr
Eriksson that there’s no way they should be allowed to play for us
again. Sir would never allow it. I’m calling a meeting tomorrow to
propose a strike until only players from the best club in the whole wide
world can play for England. And Wayne Rooney. And Sol Campbell. But
that’s it. Oh and Owen Hargreaves because he gave me a bite of his Curly
Wurly.
Monday
Only Philip turned up for the meeting. And that might have been because
I had him in an armlock. Everyone else was off with girls - in their
rooms kissy-wissing. Yuk. I played ping-pong - but got a bit bored of
fetching the ball.
Told the journalists that I wasn’t bothered at all about losing to
France.
Ha. That’ll teach them. I’m getting really good at these mind games.
Read Sir’s book and felt closer to him somehow.
Tuesday
Mr Eriksson seemed pleased I’d ironed the bibs with my travel iron. Just
wait until he sees the embroidery
Took Wayne aside today to give him the benefit of my advice - tell him
how I’ve coped with the pressure of fame and being heralded as one of
the most gifted players in Europe. He started laughing - think he was
nervous about talking to me. Poor lad. He must pinch himself every day
that he’s playing alongside David and me.
Wednesday
Am sick with worry - tried to call Sir again and he didn’t answer. I
tried about 40 times from my mobile and he never answered so went
downstairs and called from the hotel phone. He answered after the first
ring this time but was cut off when I said ‘Hello Sir’. Called Mum but
she said she’d seen him on TV so he definitely hadn’t been kidnapped.
Phew. But there’s definitely something wrong.
A small Portuguese child laughed at my moustache, saying his was thicker
and more bushy. I held him down and knuckled his head until he said that
Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world and Paul
Scholes’ goal against Porto was definitely a goal which means that Porto
are ■■■.
He was right about his moustache though. All the kids here seem to have
thicker moustaches than me 
Thursday
‘…And then Gary Neville, with his thick and bushy moutache, caps a
man-of-the-match performance with the cross for England’s third which is
bundled somewhat luckily home by a fortunate Scouser. Can anyone stop
Gary Neville? Surely there is no player in Europe to match Neville. We
can hear the crowd chanting his name - everyone’s hero Gary Neville…’
Can’t wait to see the newspapers tomorrow. I can see the headlines now -
‘Golden Gary Makes Swiss Roll’ or just ‘Nev-Mania!’. Sir (and Mum) will
be so proud.
Friday
Roo-mania, Roon Army, Wayne’s World - I shouldn’t have had that chat
with him on Tuesday.
Saturday
It’s mine and David’s anniversary today! Have been walking around with a
big smile all day. I left a little teddy on his bed with a note with the
lyrics of ‘our’ song (Come on you Reds, come on you Reds, Just keep your
bottle and use your heads…). David didn’t say anything in front of the
other lads because they’d get jealous. But he gave me a special smile -
though the silly love-sick waitress who was walking in front of me
clearlythought it was for her! Loooooser.
I can’t believe it’s been eight years since he first called me ‘Gazza’.
Sunday
Father’s Day so tried to call Sir. And then tried again. And again. No
luck (though I heard Butty call someone ‘Alex’ on the phone?!) so called
Mum and asked her to ask Dad if he would pop round to Sir’s with a card.
Played pool this afternoon and I beat Philip 10-0 because I am the
greatest. Philip wasn’t actually there but I played left-handed every
time it was his turn. And he was rubbish! Ha ha ha. Gazza is the
greatest.
Excited about tomorrow. But annoyed that Mr Eriksson says Butty’s injury
means that he can’t replace Frank Lamppost. He said something in
Swedish.
Think it must have been ‘Good luck’.
Monday
David was brilliant tonight against Croatia. I bet everyone back home is
so proud of him. And me. I was brilliant too. Portugal must have been
scared watching us together. Beckham and Neville. David and Gary (how
cool does that sound? Much better than ‘David and Victoria’ anyway).
Scholesy was also great but I bet Roonaldo (yeah right, as if he’s as
good as our Ronaldo) gets all the headlines again for two lucky
finishes. It’s only because everyone hates Man United. And we all know
why they hate Man United don’t we? J-E-A-L-O-U-S-Y.
The only thing that spoiled tonight was that Philip came on for the last
six minutes. Somehow he managed not to ruin everything completely.
Tuesday
Boring day - everyone went to play golf and forgot to tell me (again) -
so have put together Gary Neville’s Team Of Euro 2004. Here we go…
GK: Fabien Barthez.
RB: Gary Neville (he’s been brilliant)
CB: Jaap Stam (I won’t show this to Sir)
CB: Sol Campbell
LB: Mikael Silvestre (solid)
RM: David Beckham (brilliant)
CM: Paul Scholes
CM: Nicky ■■■■ (looked excellent in training)
LM: The Real Ronaldo
CF: Louis Saha
CF: Ruud van Nistelrooy (brilliant)
Am happy with this apart from Sol. He’s the weak link and is only there
because of the FA’s victimisation of Rio. But I still think this team
would win the whole thing.
Wednesday
Sent another postcard to Sir as I’m sure I won’t see him for another 12
days - and by then we will be European champions again 
Is not the
same without the other guys and am still a bit angry with Mr Eriksson
that he did not bring Giggsy. But he says I can’t threaten another
strike after I got my way about the lumpy beds. And the supposed
Branston’s pickle that was just a cheap imitation. Still fuming about
that now.
Am trying to spare a thought for little Ronaldo though. He will no doubt
be brilliant against us but will be on the losing side. I will make a
special effort to find him after the game and console him.
Thursday
Up Urs Meier - you cheating, weaselly nincompoop. This Swiss cuckoo (ha)
got the biggest decision of his life absolutely wrong and we lost
because of him. Because we - and especially me and David and excepting
Phil - were absolutely brilliant against Portugal and deserved to win by
miles. But he got it all wrong. I still can’t believe he booked me.
There’ll be a fuss about that in the papers tomorrow.
Gave Darius Vaseline (ha) a Chinese burn after the match. He said David
missed too but everyone could see that was the fault of the pitch and
anyway, David is brilliant, so there.
There’s only one good thing to come out of all this: I’ll see Sir soon.
