A college class was told they had to write a short
story in as few words as possible. The short story had
to contain the following three things:
(1) Religion (2) ■■■■■■■■■ (3) Mystery.
There was only one A+ paper in the entire
class. Below is the A+ short story:
Good God, I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it.
Once again, The Washington Post published its yearly contest in which
readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for various words. And the
winners are…
-
Coffee (n.), a person who is coughed upon.
-
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
-
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
-
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
-
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
-
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absent-mindedly
answer the door in your nightgown. -
Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
-
Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.
-
Flatulence (n.) the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run
over by a steamroller. -
Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
-
Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.
-
Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist
immediately before he examines you. -
Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish
expressions. -
Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.
-
Frisbeetarianism (n), the belief that when you die your Soul goes up on
the roof and gets stuck there. -
Circumvent (n.), the opening in the front of boxer shorts.
FOR THE WORD LOVERS - Part II
The Washington Post’s Style Invitational once again asked readers to take
any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing
one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year’s winners.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas
from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of
breaking down in the near future.
Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject
financially impotent for an indefinite period.
Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person
who doesn’t get it.
Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra
credit.)
Karmageddon (n): It’s like, when everybody is sending off all these really
bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a
serious bummer.
Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only
things that are good for you.
Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they
come at you rapidly.
Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve
accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom
at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit
you’re eating.
And the pick of the literature:
Ignoranus (n): A person who’s both stupid and an ■■■■■■■
