To the Tm when hes asking you the “how long?” question.
you won’t believe this boss, but they’ve closed the (your company name here) only lane on the (M?) so I’ve got to use the same f*ing road as everyone else!
After a long day… " I’ve done more miles than Alan Whicker!"
To the boss after he gets back from another week away…
“You have more holidays than Judith Chalmers !”
“There’s Drivers - then there’s Screw Drivers!”
The Sarge:
“There’s Drivers - then there’s Screw Drivers!”
…and you’re the cross head. 
There’s drivers and people who drive.
Coffeeholic:
The Sarge:
“There’s Drivers - then there’s Screw Drivers!”…and you’re the cross head.
I like it 
“The inks not dried on your (zb)king license yet!”- Councillor Pete James, Smiths Bletchington Ltd
Wheel Nut:
“You should have been here at 8am”“Why? What happened?”
There was plenty of oil in it when I checked it.
Coffeeholic:
“I’ve got a tin of beans in the side locker done more miles than you.”
Reputedly spoken by an old m/e friend Alan,(Pop) Warner to a young driver bragging after his first European trip.
“There’s lorry drivers and men who drive lorries”
you want it where? The names “drive” not jesus 
Tell you what - I’ll take it off and you drag it up the kerb and across the gravel.
A good put down for the waiting rooms!
If I wanted to listen to an arcehole I’d ■■■■!
Always makes me smile.
My brother who is also a driver, his favourite is ‘I’ve done more miles in layby’s than you!’ Cheeky ■■■■■■!
Driver on the Larne - Cairnryan ferry - " Wheres this at mate ?" - reaches delivery notes for Wincanton Trafford park .
Me - "Don’t know mate - I don’t do local work "
Many years ago I was told by an old boy who’d fought in the war “I was in uniform before you was in liquid form”
I couldn’t argue with his logic, but I could run faster than him!
Coffeeholic:
The Sarge:
“There’s Drivers - then there’s Screw Drivers!”…and you’re the cross head.
I think the best next line to that is!
What’s your name? Philips?
It was better in the old days when men were made of steel and wagons made of wood
Many moons ago a car pulled out on me from my right, iscreeched to a halt about 2in from his bonnet, opened the drivers door jumped on to his bonnet an said " heres 2 feet, do ya want 40 ■■■■■■ more ".
Also when watching a driver on his 3rd attempt at reversing on to a bay, i used to sing " you put ya left leg in, ya left leg out "… !
And some drivers do it for a living and some do it for a laugh ! Ha Ha … !
toowise:
“You cant miss us!”
Yes, a typical conversation I have at work goes like this…
BOSS. “It’s easy to get to, you can see it from the motorway”.
HM “I can see the ■■■ moon from the motorway but that don’t mean it’s easy to get to”.