Dale Farm
There’s an irony - coppers nicking ■■■■■■!
Very good.
Phil
Thank God for the church ladies who type church bulletins. These sentences (allegedly) actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water.” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus.”
Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall. Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It’s a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say “Hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
Don’t let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
Miss Charlene Mason sang “I will not pass this way again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
The Rector will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing: “Break Forth Into Joy.”
Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What Is Hell?” Come early and listen to our choir practice.
Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to ■■■■■■■ children.
Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.
Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 AM. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B. S. is done.
The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
The Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM. Please use the back door.
The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the Church basement Friday at 7 PM . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
The Associate Minister unveiled the church’s new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday: “I Upped My Pledge - Up Yours!”
“Figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous *situation.”
e.g. “Where there’s a will, I want to be in it,”
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Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
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The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
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Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
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If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
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We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
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War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
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Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
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Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
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To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
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A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
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I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
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Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘DOCTOR.’
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I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
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Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are ■■■■.
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Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
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A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
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I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
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You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
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Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
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There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
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I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure.
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You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
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To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
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Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
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Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
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Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
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A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.
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Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.
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I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
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When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
A girl is about to be put under for a heart transplant operation. Before the anesthetist does what he does, the girl turns to her boyfriend and tells him she loves him, “Not as much as I love you” comes his reply, “You can’t begin to imagine how much I love you” he says as tears begin to well in his eyes and the girl slips into unconsciousness.
Several hours later the girl awakens after the successful operation and the first person she sees is the surgeon, who congratulates her and tell her he expects a full and quick recovery.
“That’s wonderful Doctor, but where’s my boyfriend? He said he’d be here when i woke up”
“But… i thought you knew where your new heart came from.” Said the Doctor, “Didn’t anyone tell you?”
“No!” said the girl, realisation breaking on her like a spring tide
“Just kidding” Laughs the doctor “He’s just popped out for a ■■■■”
Dad buys a lie detector robot which slaps people when they lie.
He decides to test it at dinner.
“Son, where were you today?”
The son says: “At school, dad”.
Robot slaps the son!
“Okay, I watched a DVD at my friends house!”
“What DVD?”
“Toy story.”
Robot slaps the son again!
“Okay, it was a ■■■■■!” Cries the son.
“What! When I was your age I didn’t know what ■■■■ was!” Says the dad.
Robot slaps the dad!
Mum laughs. “Hahaha! He’s certainly your son!”
Robot slaps the Mum…
Camilla’s new shoes
Camilla bought a new pair of shoes for her wedding which got increasingly tighter & tighter as the day went on.
That night, after the festivities were finally over, she & Charles had retired back to their room.
Camilla flopped on the bed and said ‘Please remove my shoes darling, ones feet are killing one.’
Ever obedient, the Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour.
But it would not budge.
‘Harder!’ Yelled Camilla.
‘Harder?’ Charles yelled back, ‘I’m trying darling, but it’s just so bloody tight!’
‘Come on! Give it all you’ve got!’ She cried.
Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla exclaimed: ‘Oh God, that feels so good.’
In their bedroom next door, The Queen turned to Prince Phillip and said:
‘See, I told you she would still be a virgin with a face like that!’
Meanwhile back in the other bedroom, Charles was attempting to remove the other shoe when he cried out: ‘Oh god, darling, this one’s even tighter’
At which point, Prince Phillip turned and said to the Queen:
‘That’s my boy! Once a Navy man, always a Navy man!’
I went shopping this morning and bought 180 bottles of Tippex…
I think I’ve made a really big mistake!
Texting for the over 50’s.
The kids have all their little SMS codes like BFF, WTF, LOL etc., so here are some codes for the more mature…
ATD - At the doctors
BFF - Best friend’s funeral
BTW - Bring the wheelchair
FWIW - Forgot where I was
GGPBL - Gotta go, pacemaker battery low
GHA - Got heartburn again
HGBM - Had good bowel movement
IMHO - Is my hearing-aid on?
WAITT - Who am I talking to?
GGLKI - Gotta go, laxative kicking in
SWMBO - Sleeping with my boots on
ROFL - Run out of fresh liniment
PDQ - Pension day queue
I wached telly the other night English had bought houses in Spain .Spain new law said they had to come down ,man and wife had worked 47 years but they still knocked it down ,others had paid for homes but lost the through fiddle,I did not hear a word from the UN or any other do gooder to help…still they are only British
fuse:
I wached telly the other night English had bought houses in Spain .Spain new law said they had to come down ,man and wife had worked 47 years but they still knocked it down ,others had paid for homes but lost the through fiddle,I did not hear a word from the UN or any other do gooder to help…still they are only British
Toby■■?
A police marksman at Dale Farm was told he had three shots, he won a goldfish a cuddly toy and an inflatable hammer.