Bloke at a horse race whispers to Mick next to him, “Do you want the
winner of the next race?”
Mick replies “No thanks, I’ve only got a small garden.”
Mick and Pat found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the
police station.
Mick, “What if one explodes before we get there?”
Pat, “We’ll lie and say we only found two”
A coach load of OAP’s on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to
guess where they were going. The driver won £52
Micks racing snail is not winning races anymore. So he decided to take
its shell off to reduce its weight and make him more aerodynamic. It
didn’t work; if anything it made him more sluggish.
Mick finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it. He phones the
police and says, "Help, I’ve just found a sandwich that looks like a bomb.
The operator asks, "Is it tickin? Mick says, “No I tink it’s beef.”
Mick says to Pat, "Close your curtains the next time you’re making love
to your wife. The whole street was watching yesterday, and laughing at
you.”
Pat says, “Well the joke’s on them, stupid, because I wasn’t even at home yesterday.”
Mick walks into Pat’s barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a
tractor. Mick says, “Oh, no, Pat, what ya doing?” Pat says, “Well me
and Mary haven’t been getting on in the bedroom lately and the therapist
recommended I do something ■■■■ to a tractor.”
Mick says to Pat, “I’m ready for a holiday, only this year I’m going to
do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to
Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks, “So what are you going to do
this year?” Mick replies, “I’ll take her with me”
Mick says to Pat, "Christmas is on a Friday this year.” Pat says,
“Let’s hope it’s not the 13th.”
Mick’s in the bathroom and Pat shouts to him. “Did you find the
shampoo?” Mick says, “Yes, but it’s for dry hair and I’ve just wet
mine.”
Hope I haven’t offended anyone!
