Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike
next Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled
to in the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed
to produce an agreement.
The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the number
of virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death will be cut
from 72 to only 45. The rationale for the cut was the increase in
recent years of the number of suicide bombings, and a subsequent
shortage of virgins in the afterlife.
The suicide bombers’ union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members, and immediately balloted for strike
action. General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, “Our members
are literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We
don’t ask for much in return, but to be treated like this is very
unfair.”
Speaking from his lean-to in the West Midlands town of Tipton, where
he currently resides, an Al Qaeda chief executive explained, “We
sympathize with our workers’ concerns, but Al Qaeda is simply not in a
position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It’s a straight choice between reducing expenditures or
laying people off. I don’t like cutting wages, but I’d hate to have to
tell 3,000 of my members that they won’t be able to blow themselves
up.”
Spokespersons for the union in Newcastle, Middlesbrough, Essex and
Glasgow stated that they would be unaffected, as there are no virgins
in these areas anyway.
Apparently, the drop in the number of suicide bombings has been
largely put down to the emergence of the Scottish singing star, Susan
Boyle. Now that Muslims know what a virgin looks like, they are no
longer so keen on going to paradise.
