Bit of a sombre topic I know, but I need a bit of help with something, so thought this would be a good place to ask for it.
Basically, a fairly close friend of mine is about to pass away. Probably within a week or two. She’s in palliative care. It’s hit me very hard these past couple days, and though I’m a 6ft bloke, I admit the tears keep hitting me every half hour or so, and hard. It happened last night when I was driving in roadworks (hope they weren’t watching on the cameras!)
I’m asking, for anybody here that’s ever been in a state of raw, early grief, how did you cope with work? Lorry driving is a bit different to office work. I can’t work from home. I had the first 3 weeks of Jan off to look after my 74 year old mum who broke 2 bones falling down the stairs. So I don’t want to keep taking time off. I can’t really afford to, and compassionate leave is just 2 days, and reserved for close family members only (such as parent, sibling, or child).
This is the first time I’ve ever experienced the passing, or imminent about-to-pass of somebody close. How did you cope at work, driving in your shifts? Sometimes I just can’t quite hold it back, it’s too powerful.
There’s no easy answer to this, but hopefully your employer will take a sympathetic view, and give you as much “compassionate leave” as you would need to take, or let you return to work and “throw yourself into your work” should you decide that too.
“Death of Spouse/Close Relative” is the most stressful event in most people’s lives, so you’re not alone.
Don’t be afraid to ask for the company of others, should you need to lean on them, as a lot of people might mistake you becoming “quiet and withdrawn” for an unspoken request to “Give him his space, and respect his privacy” when some form of ongoing social contact - may well be more appropriate.
Personally, I would advise “drawing your friends and relatives near” - and “don’t bottle it up”.
Winseer:
There’s no easy answer to this, but hopefully your employer will take a sympathetic view, and give you as much “compassionate leave” as you would need to take, or let you return to work and “throw yourself into your work” should you decide that too.
“Death of Spouse/Close Relative” is the most stressful event in most people’s lives, so you’re not alone.
Don’t be afraid to ask for the company of others, should you need to lean on them, as a lot of people might mistake you becoming “quiet and withdrawn” for an unspoken request to “Give him his space, and respect his privacy” when some form of ongoing social contact - may well be more appropriate.
Personally, I would advise “drawing your friends and relatives near” - and “don’t bottle it up”.
I lost my mum when she died suddenly and unexpectedly when I was 11 years old. To say that I was surprised would be an understatement. But I had the luck to have had wonderful parents and my dad sat me down to tell me. He also said that I should understand that death is what awaits us all, that we can rarely predict when it will come, but that life goes on. The sun always rises. And that my mum would most certainly not want me to grieve greatly. She loved me and would want me to remember her and our time together with joy, not live my life gloomily, but move in life on positively. I was just about to start Grammar school with its challenges, but thinking in this way helped me greatly.
All true, and as an 11 year old it helped me. I would not have wished to upset my mother so did, indeed, carry on my life as positively
as I could.
We cannot know your friend but I imagine a good friend would feel the same way towards you.
I’m sorry to hear you are experiencing this. I know you asked for people who can help with managing emotion while driving and I haven’t experienced that but I couldn’t pass by without offering my sympathies.
It’s good not to hold it back and to let it out. Maybe an opportunity to do this away from the wheel would help. Although it may be painful, could you visit your friend before she passes? Palliative care nurses are amazing and a chat with one of the nurses caring for your friend might help. They are there to care for relatives and friends too, and they won’t be fazed by 6ft blokes in tears.
I remember being away in the truck as a young lad and getting the call about my Granda who was very dear to me.
My Mam had gone to his bungalow and found him dead lying beside his bed.
I was ■■■■ distraught, got in the bunk and cried like a baby for about 10 minutes,.he was my best fruend who taught me a lot and who I spent a lot of time with as a kid.
He also used to come with me on day runs after my Gran died.
I dealt with it by just getting on with the job and trying not to think about it.
When I got home I did not mope around the house dwelling on it like the rest of my family,.I went out and had a couple of pints…for him.
Still think about him 30+ years later.
Stu675 and Driveress. I’d love to go and see her, but what makes this particularly painful for me, is that I don’t know where she is. A couple weekends back she text me, saying she was out on the town with her mates, and was texting me through the early hours of Sunday, all banter and her usual self. Then a week later (last Monday) I received the oddest text whilst at work. She was asking me what day it was, and how long she’d been in hospital. So I replied saying “I didn’t know you were in hospital. What’s wrong?” and then I got no reply. I’m assuming she’s now in palliative care, because she was saying she’d need it in our last face-to-face conversation. Since then all I’ve had is the odd text where she sounds confused, or half out of it, or something that’s not even relevant to my text or me. Or she’ll say “I’m coming home tomorrow”, and obviously doesn’t. So perhaps she’s on morphine for pain. I don’t know. It kills me, because I last saw her 4 weeks ago, and you’d not think anything was wrong with her, apart from unsteady gait (brain tumour). So I haven’t been able to say a proper goodbye, and can’t seem to organise one. I probably won’t know when she passes, because nobody she’s linked or related with is with me. I’ll probably find out through the grapevine in the pub a month after or something.
Robroy. I’d love to do the same, but I met her in a pub, and Saturday nights is what we used to do together. The thought of going in the pub without her is heart-breaking. But I do otherwise just try to crack on, but the emotions sometimes catch me off guard in the most inappropriate moment. Sorry to hear about your grandad by the way. Sounds like the sort of relationship I’ve got with my dad, God bless him.
It’s funny, I was preying for a Tesco Reading last night so I could get 2 hours in the bunk. Does anybody else prey for a Tesco Reading? lol.
That’s sad. It sounds like you might have to do a bit of detective work but I hope you can find out where she is. Could calling the pub help you find her? Did she ever mention any of her other mates by name or where they worked who you could track down?
driveress:
That’s sad. It sounds like you might have to do a bit of detective work but I hope you can find out where she is. Could calling the pub help you find her? Did she ever mention any of her other mates by name or where they worked who you could track down?
I got it, she sent a couple of texts tonight, and one of them told me the ward name, but not the hospital. I googled it, and found it. I’ll ring them later today.