Alternative Highway Code for car drivers

The Alternative Highway Code


In the event of an Accident
Should you come into contact with another vehicle and the other vehicle is unoccupied, it is clearly the other party’s fault for having left their car where you were going to be driving, and you can leave the scene with impunity. The Police don’t give a ■■■■, so you are OK. Even if there are witnesses.

If the other party is present, don’t let the facts trouble you. Remember, the other guy was at fault, and calling him names or questioning his legitimacy and parentage is quite fair. Make sure that the story you tell exonerates you of any blame whatsoever, and don’t hesitate to lie further to get yourself off the hook.

If you witness an accident
If you witness an accident between two cars then be sure to stop, look, laugh if you wish, and walk off.

No-one will want your details, and leaving them is probably in breach of the Data Protection Act or Human Rights Act or something, so don’t bother.


Overtaking Cyclists
Overtake cyclists, do not slow down behind them. Oncoming drivers will make way for you.

Control of the vehicle

Proper control of the vehicle shall be maintained at all times. Drivers can demonstrate their competence in car control by multitasking. Use of mobile phones, especially texting, will show other road users just how easy it is for you.
Only the most overt actions qualify, make-up, Times crossword, shaving are good examples
The more advanced drivers can easily be spotted by their mobile DVD displays on the dashboard.


You MUST endeavour to get past a hazard as quickly as possible. Upon spotting a vehicle parked or manoeuvring up ahead, accelerate at the maximum rate available to ensure that you will reach the hazard at a high speed and therefore pass it quickly.

If a vehicle ahead is preparing to reverse into a turning, driveway or parking space, it is acceptable to stop directly behind the vehicle in a state of apparent confusion close enough to prevent the driver from carrying out the manoeuvre.

Also, once past a hazard, you SHOULD sound your horn to express displeasure, as the hazard has obviously been created solely as an affront to your person.

Remember the Alternative System of Car Control: Manoeuvre; Signal*; Mirror*
(*) Optional


The horn is one of the most important controls fitted to a motor vehicle. Here are the situations in which it should be used:

Seeing a friend on the pavement.
Seeing someone who looks a bit like a celebrity on the pavement.
Ther driver in front stops at a traffic light that has been red for less than five seconds.
You wish to transfer priority to yourself (e.g when turning right across traffic)
The driver in front is driving too slowly.
The driver in front is driving too fast.
You have done something wrong and wish to absolve yourself of responsibility.
An overtake occurs anywhere within your sight.
Seeing a car you recognise.
Passing a house you used to live at.
Also you MUST sound the horn if it has gone unused for five minutes, or three minutes if after 11pm in a built up area.

Note that the horn MUST NOT be used to alert other drivers of your presence if you think they may not be able to see you, the correct procedure in this instance is to wait for the inevitable to happen and then flail your arms afterwards.


Turning Right
When turning right at a junction, wait at the left hand side, this discourages drivers turning left and ‘putting you off’ from your turn. Always look 1 way.
To ensure full road usage do make sure you straddle both lanes on entry, preferably covering the full width of the lane you do not wish to enter, especially if there is a car approaching

Box Junctions
If going straight on or left, keep as close to the car in front as you can, so that more cars can enter the junction. If turning right, you MUST NOT enter the box; instead, wait until the light goes red and then complete your manoeuvre.


The presence of 2 fully functional headlamps is optional. Should the full complement of lamps not be present, use the remaining lamps at full beam wherever possible, employing any additional lighting you may have (qv. Additional Lighting)

Additional Lighting
Fog lights are to be used only in clear weather and for the following purposes;
a) To indicate that the function of one or more headlight has been lost, and that the driver no longer needs to see the road more than 10 feet (3m) in front of them.
b) To blind the driver behind them in a queue of traffic.
c) To indicate that the driver bought the ‘sport’ version of their people carrier, and is therefore not only virile, but that the choice of a people carrier in no way affects his masculinity.

The life of a bulb filament is drastically lessened by short-period cycling, so always endeavour to time your signals so that only a single flash is necessary.


When approaching a motorway exit you wish to take, remain in the outside, fastest lane as long as possible before moving sharply across to your chosen exit. This minimises the time you are required to spend behind slower moving traffic and reduces the inconvenience you cause to other drivers. It is courteous to signal after you have completed the manoeuvre.

Lane Discipline
If you drive a ‘Premium’* car, have a “High-Class Luxury Tissue Box Holder” on your parcel shelf, a CD dangling from your rear-view mirror, any additional (non-manufacturer supplied) bits of bodywork attached to your car or SAGA membership, you should drive in the right-hand or middle lane of a motorway, and never venture into the left-hand lane. That lane is for ‘little people’ who don’t matter. You shouldn’t venture there as you are more important than that.

While driving in the middle or right-hand lanes, you can always ignore your rear-view-mirrors as people behind you are less important than you. If such people flash their lights at you, they are paying respect to your greater motoring status.

‘Premium’ cars include BMW’s, Mercedes’, Lexii, Toyota Carina’s, Honda Civics and any other vehicle you care to mention. In fact, as long as you are in it, any vehicle can be a ‘premium’ vehicle, regardless of marque.

Drivers should always pick the fastest lane possible, this reduces unwanted lane changes and generally makes your life a lot easier. If you see someone behind you flashing lights and giving ‘the beans’ slow down further as he is letting you know your grip on the steering wheel is not tight enough and you should slow down to check.

Overtaking on a motorway or dual carriageway should only be effected in the following manner.

  1. Approach vehicle ahead at a speed differential of less than 4mph
  2. Wait to indicate until at least 6ft from the vehicle in front (no one else needs to know what you are doing - we do still have a right to privacy in this country you know)
  3. Check to make sure there is a vehicle in the overtaking lane within at least 20ft of you
  4. Pull out - when carrying out this manoeuvre it is important to ensure you do not drop a gear or alter your speed in any way
  5. Wait until you pass the vehicle (this may take some time)
  6. Bask in the appreciation of your fellow motorists (they will show this by flashing their lights at you and braking sharply)
  7. To fully complete your manoeuvre wait until you are at least 25ft in front of the car you overtook before moving back into your original lane

Other Road Users

Anticipating Other Road Users Actions
Remember the golden rule of anticipation:

Every other road user should be expected to do exactly the same thing as you would do in that situation.

You MUST use the horn and lights (as discussed in signalling) to inform them that they have deviated from the One True Way Of Driving whenever this occurs.

This rule is particularly important when judging the approach speed of other traffic at junctions and roundabouts.


When in a line of traffic always try to ensure a small enough gap between you and the vehicle in front to discourage any attempt at overtaking by anyone behind you.
If you have left a large enough gap and someone attempts to overtake, accelerate to close the gap - this should discourage overtaking by faster traffic. Judicious use of horn/headlights should also be employed as necessary.


Yellow Lines
Your car MUST BE fitted with a mechanism to cause all indicator light to flash together. Using this overrides any parking/stopping restrictions such as double yellow lines that may be in force.

Parking Bays
Always park forwards. If the car in front of you goes past an empty bay and puts his reversing lights on, it means he’s spotted another empty bay further up and is inviting you to use this one. Drive into the bay quickly so as not to make him wait too long.

Public Car Parks
When parking in a public car park, it is good practice to park with your wheels ON one of the white lines. This shows people how accurate you can be with your car.

Residential Areas
When parking in a crowded residential area, make sure to park with about half a car’s gap either side of you. This way no-one can block you in or damage your car. Who cares whether other people have space to park or not?!?

Parallel Parking
Reverse parallel parking. Don’t do it - drive in forwards and then spend 5 minutes shuffling back and forth until you are only 2ft from the kerb. If it is necessary to r-p-p, do not indicate your intentions or pay any attention to other road users - parking takes priority over all other vehicles, they will drive around you.


Always use your clutch as the accelerator pedal while reversing, this is the cars least favourite gear and 8,000rpm at 2mph will let the car know you are the boss. This especially applies in quiet neighbourhoods


Positioning and signalling on roundabouts is one of the most difficult elements of driving.

Straight Ahead

To proceed straight ahead at a roundabout, approach the roundabout in the middle of the lane (or straddling both lanes if there are two) and go over it in a straight line, regardless of other vehicles, lane markings or raised centres.


To turn left at a roundabout, approach in the right hand lane, travel around the roundabout in the inside lane, and spear sharply towards your exit at the last possible moment.


To turn right at a roundabout, approach in the left hand lane and travel around the outer edge of the roundabout. It is recommended (although not necessary) to ‘feint’ into each exit along the way and then swerve back onto the roundabout at the last possible moment.


You MUST NOT signal your intentions when joining a roundabout. It is permissible to use a direction signal to say “excuse me, I was turning right actually”, if someone pulls out in front of you due to misunderstanding the correct AHC right turn procedure, but this is an obsolete signal and a strident blast of the horn followed by several headlamp flashes is preferred.

Conserve energy by combining the operation of the indicator stalk with the act of turning the wheel.

Rights of Way

Right of Way
When approaching another vehicle parked on your side of the road, do not slow to allow oncoming traffic through and then make your way past when clear, simply aim for the gap and hope for the best

Giving Way
Giving Way in Special Vehicles

Any driver of a Special Vehicle (see below) is not required to give way to other road users. Pulling out in front of other road users is not only acceptable but encouraged under the AHC as best practice. Drivers of Special Vehicles are not required to use indicators.

For the purposes of this Section “Special Vehicle” shall mean:

(a) a BMW; and
(b) any vehicle with a ‘Taxi’ sign displayed anywhere on the bodywork.
(c) Mercedes

Side Roads

Turning into side roads
When turning into a side road , it is advised to slow to around walking pace approximately 50ft before the turning. At this point, you should signal in the opposite direction to the one in which you intend to travel, waiting until the last possible moment before switching this signal to the correct direction and veering sharply across the road. There is no need to look in the rear view mirror at any point during this manoeuvre, as the motorist behind should of course be familiar with this sequence, and be waiting patiently for you to complete it. If they should sound their horn, do not worry !, they are merely expressing their approval of your splendid driving skills. Remember that turning sharply is more dangerous than a smooth, large-radius curve, so make full use of the width of the junction when turning right.

Emerging from side roads
Be sure to position yourself right in the middle of the lane so that no other driver can pull up beside you and possibly drive off before you, even though going in a different direction


When you have finished your cigarette, it should be flicked out of your window, NEVER stubbed out in the ashtray. This is a fire hazard. The motorcyclist behind you is just testing his horn. Ignore him

Speed Limit

If you drive in any of the below cars, the speed limit is always45 MPH, regardless of actual posted limits, road conditions, other traffic etc etc.

(a) Rover
(b) Micra
(c) Any car that is taller than it is wide, e.g. Vauxhall Agila, Suzuki Wagon R etc


Being Tailgated
When being tailgated, drop down a gear and boot it, whilst simultaneously switching your rear fog lights on.

Traffic Lights

When traffic lights are at red, take this chance to go in your bag and check where your keys are/makeup is dont worry about missing it, they will turn green again. Filter lights work in all directions, not just the indicated direction, this is a ‘guideline’ direction.

Weather Conditions

During periods of precipitation - however light or heavy - it is advised to slow to at least half the speed limit of the road upon which you are travelling (don’t worry about the people behind you braking sharply and having to swerve to avoid you, they were obviously travelling far to fast for the conditions), to switch on your headlamps and rear fog lamp, and to set the wiper blades to their maximum velocity. You may also find it helpful to hunch forward over the steering wheel to assist with your observations.

Rain on Motorways
During periods of heavy precipitation - you must continue at your normal motorway speed, but to ensure visibility of the vehicles in front, you must close the gap, so that you can clearly see the car in front. Note, that due to superior German engineering, BMWs, Audis and Mercedes can travel faster and much closer together.

Sudden heavy rain on motorways

If possible, you should aim to drive your vehicle into the central reservation at high speed for no readily discernable reason whatsoever, thus endlessly brightening up the day of the several thousand drivers behind you.

Wrong Lane

If you find yourself in the wrong lane at a junction and cannot get into the correct lane due to
Traffic then SLAM ON and come to a complete stop* and wait there till someone lets you in the lane you need to get into.

Especially useful on 50mph roads when theres cars behind you- just watch them test their brakes out!