I arrived with my delivery well before my time, knowing that it’s not easy to get inside (been there few times before).
Obviously in Faslane, where they have some actual bombs and something interesting to spy on, unlike in that nuclear electric plant I was recently, my Polish ID is good enough. But I had my passport with me this time, just to be sure. The problem occured somewhere else: this time after I waited all the time in queue in security office I was told that I need security training. They said “you should have one, since you already were here”. I told “no, I don’t have one, but I never needed one”. They said that it’s impossible to get there without safety induction. Well, I know discussion is pointless, so I just took my paper that I was reading in the queue and headed for the portakabin in the car park to get my induction (that I never had before, and I am sure of that, as I was there twice or three times before).
The nice lady asked me if I want to watch the movie, which will make me trained only for this time, or if I want to do computer training, that will make me good for one year but it will take longer. I decided that I will go for the computer one and I told lady that I think it’s always better to have full training so I can be safer this time, and also in the future as well.
It’s just that we deliver to many places when this crap safety inductions are required that I am already familiar enough with them to assume that movie will be waste of time, as I will need to watch the whole lot of it, while on computer induction, I would just click forward through the slideshow without reading and then have to answer to some questions that only complete idiot would fail on.
But to be honest I stopped and had looked onto few slides: it was about azbestos removal, moving heavy machinery and building a scaffolding. For ■■■■’s sake, who are these health and safety morons, I just came to deliver one pallet to the goods in area across the fence, do they expect me that I would run away from my ■■■■■■, steal some buldozer and drive it to the safety zone when I leave it unatended, quickly build some scaffolding and start to remove asbestos from their roof ignoring nuclear emergency alert? 
Anyway, I clicked through rest of that ■■■■■■■■, answered all the questions, deciced, that it’s still too fast to do not look suspicious (she said that this training will take 30-40 minutes, and only 4 passed so far), so I read another few pages of my paper, had a chat with the guy who arrived soon after me and used exactly the same tactic as I did and then we went back to the window.
I scored 93%. Obviously I have to be at last a bit stupid. Ah no, she said where I was wrong. You could not be wrong on that, obviously I did not clicked carefuly enough and marked wrong answer…
She gave me my pass, I went back to the security office and was issued with red pass. Soon my ■■■■■■ arrived and I followed the battered transit to the stores. There was nobody there, so the guy left me in the portakabin and went disapeared somewhere for long, long time. Because the other guy in the portakabin started to smoke, and I don’t like it, I went outside and started to looking for my ■■■■■■. I went into warehouse, asked few people if they had seen him but nobody did. Nobody also seemed bothered that I display a big red ID with a big letters saying “ESCORTED” on it. Finally my guy arrived, saying that he can’t find the idiots who were supposed to work there, so he will unload me myself. It seemed that he is not too good in driving forklift, but he managed to do not damage my van completely, and as some of you know already how our vans look, I ignored this one new dent.
When looking for the pen to do the paperwork, I found a camera in my back pack. I completely forgoten that I had it with me. So much for national security.
We had a nice chat with the ■■■■■■ guy, he was surprised why I have red ID if I should have only white or yellow. I told him that I had it also last time, when I was delivering directly to the submarine. “Ah, that’s why” he said “if you had red one before, they propably have to give you the red one every other time as well”.
Good to know, might come handy if I would decide to become a terrorist one day.
So after we finished, I followed him back to the entrance, soon before he met some guy and stopped for a chat, waving to me to just go to the exit, so I made last bit of my journey by myself, passing some other set of delivery guy and ■■■■■■ vehicle, both chatting on their mobiles. Obviously I am the only one who switched his mobile as requested…
And while leaving I recalled that in the board in the security office it was written “security level: heightened”.
My friend, who is an Polish Army officer often says “army starts when the logic ends”. I guess this is true for all armies.
But this safety inductions is not only the army thing… I had that once in Scuntorpe Steel Works, thanks to which I learned that I shoudl not drive under giant tippers or trains. Oh, thank you safety inspectors, you saved my life! 
