Im goin to work now 
just got this text A man touring the Wild West asks Native Injun whats his wifes nameHe replies Five Horses,thats an unusual name the tourist replies what does it mean?The Injun replies Nag Nag Nag Nag Nag!!! I,ll get me coat 
British rail are lying ■■■■■■■■■ The sign on the platform said if I stood too close to the edge I might get sucked off!
Four bloody hours I wasted today 
Never easy to please her indoors 
She got a 5 grand ■■■■ job 
She got a 2 gand nose job
And now she moans already a week that I had a 50 pound ■■■■■■■■ 
Scania
The missus asked me the other day where i’d most like to be buried.
It turns out that ‘Balls deep in your sister’ wasn’t the right answer 
Two chaps sat on a plane, each has a black eye.
One says to the other “how did you get that?”
The second man says “well at the ticket counter I accidentally asked the girl for two pickets to titsburg instead of two tickets to Pittsburg”.
The first man says, “I got mine just like that!, I meant to ask my wife for a bowl of cerial and I accidentally said… you have runined my life you fat ■■■■■■
An english hiker was walking through the brecons one day, when he came across a welsh farmer.
Tired and in need of 5 minutes rest, sat down next to the welsh farmer and asked, ‘Is that your dog?’
The farmer replied, ‘Yup.’
‘Mind if I talk to him?’ said the hiker,
‘Don’t you know dogs don’t talk?’ The farmer replied,
‘So what’s the harm? May I?’ asked the hiker
‘Go right ahead.’ agree`d the farmer
The hiker said to the dog, ‘Howdy!’
The dog replied, ‘Hello.’ and The farmers eyes pop wide.
The hiker continued, ‘Is this your master?’
‘Yep, he sure is.’
‘Does he treat you alright?’
‘Sure does. Every day he takes me for a walk, he feeds me all kinds of great food, and once a week he takes me to the river to play.’
the farmer was dumbfounded!
The hiker then said to the farmer, ‘Is that your horse over there?’
‘Yes.’ said thefarmer
‘Do you mind if I talk to him?’ The hiker replied,
‘I know the dog spoke to you, but I know for a fact that horses can’t talk.’
‘Well, then what would it hurt?’
‘Go right ahead.’ agree`d the farmer
The hiker continued to speak to the horse, “hello”
‘Hello.’ said the horse
The welsh farmer couldnt believe his ears and stood there with his jaw wide open.
The hiker asked, ‘Is that your owner?’
‘Yup, sure is.’
‘He treat you okay?’
‘Sure, he rides me every day, brushes me down at the end of the day, and he keeps me in the barn away from the elements.’
‘Sounds good.’
The Hiker then asked the farmer, ‘Are those your sheep over there?’
The Farmer is horrified and stammers, ‘You leave them there sheep alone!, they’re nothing but a bunch of liars!’
Dogmatix:
Scania
Wins it hands down…
All women should be like golf caddies . . . Either holding your balls or getting your ■■■■■■■ tee ready !!
Suedehead:
All women should be like golf caddies . . . Either holding your balls or getting your [zb] tee ready !!
Brilliant…
My x sent me this text.
“Just been on EBAY lookin for a Dictaphone, they gave me your number!”…chris
Did you hear about the gay truckers?
They exchanged loads.
you hear about the gay cowboy?
rode into town and shot up the sheriff!
A 73 year old woman was in court for streaking at the Chelsea flower show,…
she was let of with a caution,but was awarded 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement!..chris
trunkera1:
A 73 year old woman was in court for streaking at the Chelsea flower show,…
she was let of with a caution,but was awarded 1st prize for Best Dried Arrangement!..chris
that’s just wrong!
Three tampons walking down the street; maxi, midi and ultra.
Which says hello first?
None, they’re all stuck up ■■■■■!
Suedehead:
All women should be like golf caddies . . . Either holding your balls or getting your [zb] tee ready !!
Funny as [zb] !
Nintendo have just released a new game featuring a Teen Glasweigan with an ASBO…They’ve called it the Wii Basterd
Bloke stood outside a pub smoking a ciggarette and a guy in a wheelchair says “Why are you smoking”, the man replys “why are you wearing shoes” 
I think i messed up my blind date last night!
During the meal she asked me,“Whats your pet hate?”
I said “it dont like things shoved up its arse!”…chris
trunkera1:
I think i messed up my blind date last night!
During the meal she asked me,“Whats your pet hate?”
I said “it dont like things shoved up its arse!”…chris
pmsl
Who is the most popular man in a nudist colony?,
The one who can carry 2 cups of coffee,and 9 Doughnuts all at the same time.
Who is the most popular Woman in a nudist colony?
The one who can eat the last Doughnut!..chris