A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the op bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, “I’m sorry to bother you, but I’m awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket.”
The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, “I’ve got a better idea… let’s pretend we’re married.”
“Why not,” giggles the woman.
“Good,” he replies. “Get your own ■■■■ blanket.”
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Mildred was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband Earl. She decided she would kill herself and join him in death. Thinking it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Earl’s old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not wanting to miss the vital organ, possibly paralyze herself and become a burden to someone, she called a doctor’s office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be.
“On a woman,” the doctor said, “your heart would be just below your left breast.”
Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee. 
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A woman goes to her doctor who verifies that she is pregnant. This is her first pregnancy. The doctor asks her if she has any questions. She replies, “Well, I’m a little worried about the pain. How much will childbirth hurt?”
The doctor answered, “Well, that varies from woman to woman and pregnancy to pregnancy and besides, it’s difficult to describe pain.”
“I know, but can’t you give me some idea?” she asks.
“Grab your upper lip and pull it out a little…”
“Like this?”
“A little more…”
“Like this?”
“No. A little more…”
“Like this?”
“Yes. Does that hurt?”
“A little bit.”
“Now stretch it over your head!”
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On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, a man got a small puppy as a present for his son. Not having time to get the paperwork to take the puppy on board, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snuck him on board the airplane.
About 30 minutes into the trip, a stewardess noticed the man shaking and quivering. “Are you okay, sir?” asked the stewardess.
“Yes, I’m fine,” said the man.
Later, the stewardess noticed the man moaning and shaking again. “Are you sure you’re alright sir?”
“Yes,” said the man, “but I have a confession to make. I didn’t have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy on board, so I hid him down the front of my pants.”
“What’s wrong?” asked the stewardess. “Is he not housebroken?”
“No, that’s not the problem. The problem is he’s not weaned yet!”
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A salesman is lost in a rural area and stops at a farm to get directions. As he is talking to the farmer he notices a pig with a wooden leg. “How did the pig get a wooden leg?”, he asks the farmer.
“Well”, says the farmer, "that is a very special pig. One night not too long ago we had a fire start in the barn. Well, sir, that pig set
up a great squealing that woke everyone, and by the time we got there he had herded all the other animals out of the barn and saved everyone of them." “And that was when he hurt his leg?” asked the salesman. “Oh no” says the farmer. “He was fine after that. Though a while later I was in the woods out back and a bear attacked me. Well, sir, that pig was near by and he came running and set on that bear and chased him off. Saved me for sure.” “So the bear injured his leg then.” says the salesman. “Oh no. He came away without a scratch from that. Though a few days later my tractor turned over in a ditch and I was knocked unconscious. Well, that pig dove into the ditch and pulled me out before I drown.” “So he hurt his leg then?” asks the salesman. “Oh no,” says the farmer. “So how did he get the wooden leg?” the salesman asks. “Well”, the farmer tells him, “A pig like that, you don’t want to eat all at once.”
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How does Janice like being pregnant?" Bob asked his friend john.
“Oh, she’s not pregnant,” John replied, “she’s expecting.”
“What’s the difference?” Bob pressed.
"Well, John explained, “She’s expecting me to cook dinner, she’s expecting me to do the housework, she’s expecting me to rub her feet . . .”
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Little Joey dressed as a pirate for Halloween and went out trick-or-treating. When he rang Mrs. Bonelli’s doorbell, the woman handed him a lollipop and looked around with mock terror. “And tell me. Captain Joey, where are your buccaneers?”
“Under my buckin’ hat,” the boy replied.
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Two men were finishing their work day and one said, “I hate to go home ! Every night I eat the same tasteless food, wash the dishes, walk the dog, and then go to bed alone.” His co-worker asked, “Why don’t you find a nice girl and get married?”
As the first man slammed his briefcase shut he replied, “I AM married!”
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Matt’s dad picked him up from school to take him to a dental appointment.
Knowing the parts for the school play were supposed to be posted today, he asked his son if he got a part.
Matt enthusiastically announced that he’d gotten a part. “I play a man who’s been married for twenty years.”
“That’s great, son. Keep up the good work and before you know it they’ll be giving you a speaking part.”
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