Bale Bandit:
Because cattle congregate at gate ways for milking, feeding etd and they “poach” the gateway. But it baffles me why a farmer who can afford to spend !00 grand on a tractor cant afford to spend 15 quid on gate furniture and they’d rather use string
There are no EU subsidies/grants/VAT scams/tax rebates available on gate furniture… 
Why do they assume everyone knows the names of their fields? Some of our drivers are having fun delivering lime because some yokel thinks we should know where “Field Three” is. On the other hand, they could just put a sign up with “lime tip” next to the gateway (muddy or not!)
Muckaway:
Why do they assume everyone knows the names of their fields? Some of our drivers are having fun delivering lime because some yokel thinks we should know where “Field Three” is. On the other hand, they could just put a sign up with “lime tip” next to the gateway (muddy or not!)
Don’t forget when tipping lime for Smiths you get a map taken out of the County Map book, even i can follow that.
Put it in the bottom corner of the thirty acre, Driver.
You couldn’t make it up!
When I asked him which was the “thirty acre” he said “It’s the one next to where Dobbs’s used to be”.
I’d never been within ten miles of his farm before 
smalltrucker:
Muckaway:
Why do they assume everyone knows the names of their fields? Some of our drivers are having fun delivering lime because some yokel thinks we should know where “Field Three” is. On the other hand, they could just put a sign up with “lime tip” next to the gateway (muddy or not!)Don’t forget when tipping lime for Smiths you get a map taken out of the County Map book, even i can follow that.
Not everytime you don’t…
…Don’t drive for Smiffs anyway, I deliver to a lot of customers that I used to when working there…but I now drive for the competition, and it’s a great job.
Just repaying the loyalty like.
Never deliver to a farm in the dark.Access in and out will be tight with limited turning circles filled with hidden obstacles that will pop the tyres or other damage.
Sleeping dogs to be wary of too.A deaf dog will not hear you reversing over it.It could be blind too.
Be warned of the “poverty speach”.Not made a penny this year drive.Been a bad year.
Then you drove past his and hers Range Rovers .
If you see a laden trailer and tractor coming towards you only one rule applies;I am coming through get out of the way.
If the lorry load is hanball the farmer will have a bad back and leave a note in the barn that will say put ten tons over the wall then behind the fence.
Gone to market is another one.
They never lock up anything.Tractors with keys left in them.Doors not locked in the farm house and out buildings.And the deaf and blind dog to guard it all and see off intruders.
Definitely agree with the poverty speech…as the new combine is put away for another year.
Retired Old ■■■■:
Put it in the bottom corner of the thirty acre, Driver.
You couldn’t make it up!
When I asked him which was the “thirty acre” he said “It’s the one next to where Dobbs’s used to be”.I’d never been within ten miles of his farm before
I got instructions from a farmer once, turn left at the old tree, you can’t miss it, there is a tillage bag in the hedge bottom 
A few years ago I used to deliver liquid fertiliser to Germany in a road tanker, that does sort the men out from the boys, looking for a farm and the bloke with a piece of straw in his mouth could not speak English or he hated the English for bombing his dads farmhouse 
I used to go to the local mills and ask them to show me the farms on a map
“Ooooh, aaaaargh, turn left out the gate, right at Mr Browns’ cottage, past the train station that Dr Beeching closed, right where the blacksmiths used to be, past the old post office, past where the public hangings used to be…You come to the old police house, turn right past the sycamore trees, left over the railway bridge (that hasn’t seen a train for 50 years and is now vastly overgrown) and then follow your nose…
…If you get to the field where that German bomber came down you gone too farrrrrgh…”
New farm machinery costs a fortune, check out the price of a new tractor or combine, you could buy a house or two and have no change left over.
Yes, drive, just go past the broken white fence, turn right by the second oak tree, if you see the sign for Joe Bloggs saw dust yard you have gone too far so will have to turn left by the stables,past Mr Jones house with the hanging basket, so please do not knock that down,like the last driver that did that.
Go 8 miles down the lane ignore the 3.5 ton weight limit over the wooden bridge over the stream,we get 44 tonners down there all the time.
You pass the Woolpack pub,next right,then in the field with mown grass in it, my worker will be waiting there for you.
By the way, have you got a pen and paper to write all this down, NO i have not, as i am driving.
Ok i will ring you back,NO phone signal.
Muckaway:
“Ooooh, aaaaargh, turn left out the gate, right at Mr Browns’ cottage, past the train station that Dr Beeching closed, right where the blacksmiths used to be, past the old post office, past where the public hangings used to be…You come to the old police house, turn right past the sycamore trees, left over the railway bridge (that hasn’t seen a train for 50 years and is now vastly overgrown) and then follow your nose…
…If you get to the field where that German bomber came down you gone too farrrrrgh…”
That’s funny because it’s true!
As the son of a farmer, I find this highly amusing 
No doubt, Smurf, but I’ll bet you’ve known a few farmers who fit the description?
Easy, go along the lane and turn left after the railway bridge (9’ 6") when you crossed the canal (3t)carry on till you come to where the old hall used to be (demolished 1800) just after that is a gate turn in there, mind its a bit tight (road 12’ wide, gate 8’ wide) careful od the ditch (6’ deep) and tip under Mary’s tree in the bottom left, oh and watch out for the bulls, they’re a bit lively…
One thing I have noticed, is that farmers never throw anything away. Every farm I have ever been to has been full of rubbish, old fences bits of tractor, just about anything they have used they never throw it away.
I’ve not been that way for years but there was a farm near Wisbech that had a complete history of the combine harvester parked up in a field near the farm…starting off with a Massey Harris ‘bagger’. I used to think they should have be preserved for prosperity.
Question: we have people preserving classic buses, trucks, tractors etc, but is there anyone preserving/restoring classic combine harvesters?
GasGas:
I’ve not been that way for years but there was a farm near Wisbech that had a complete history of the combine harvester parked up in a field near the farm…starting off with a Massey Harris ‘bagger’. I used to think they should have be preserved for prosperity.Question: we have people preserving classic buses, trucks, tractors etc, but is there anyone preserving/restoring classic combine harvesters?
It showed a bloke on Countryfile a few weeks with hundreds of old combines. He is making a good living breaking them for spares.
Carry on drive until you see my cousin Mary’s thatched cottage.A Luftwafte pilot sneaked in the back barn.Vilagers found him asleep in the hay.Follow the bridle path.It is bit tight but the post man goes down it daily so you should be ok if you fold your mirrors in.
If you go too far by my son in laws cottage you will have to get a crane out to tow you out.Only last week a Ford transit with a trailer got jammed.
toby1234abc:
Carry on drive until you see my cousin Mary’s thatched cottage.A Luftwafte pilot sneaked in the back barn.Vilagers found him asleep in the hay.Follow the bridle path.It is bit tight but the post man goes down it daily so you should be ok if you fold your mirrors in.
If you go too far by my son in laws cottage you will have to get a crane out to tow you out.Only last week a Ford transit with a trailer got jammed.
It’s not just farmers that give dodgy directions like this. From previous experience, whenever you happen to be out in the sticks, and need directions, ALWAYS look for the youngest person. If you ask an old boy you’re likely to get the same cobblers as if you’d those farmers, where as the yong’uns seem to realise that not everyone know where old bob’s house used to be.
GasGas:
I’ve not been that way for years but there was a farm near Wisbech that had a complete history of the combine harvester parked up in a field near the farm…starting off with a Massey Harris ‘bagger’. I used to think they should have be preserved for prosperity.Question: we have people preserving classic buses, trucks, tractors etc, but is there anyone preserving/restoring classic combine harvesters?
That farm on the roundabout of the A1101 and the 47 had scrap farm machinery on their land for about thirty years - near the road on the left side as you approach the roundabout. I think it has finally gone!