Two nuns are driving down the road one night when out of the darkness appears Dracula , standing on the bonnet staring straight at them, 1st nun says , "quick sister , show him your cross " 2nd nun shouts " GET OFF ME ■■■■■■■ CAR "
Heard on the news that NASA has discovered that there was previously water on Mars.
So there I was last night scanning the martian surface with my telescope when I spotted five Syrian’s in a rubber dinghy and came to the conclusion that the water is still there
A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It’s after midnight.
While en route home he asks the cabby if he would be a witness.
The man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act. For £100, the cabby agrees.
Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom.
The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!
The husband puts a gun to the naked man’s head.
The wife shouts, ’Don’t do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money.
HE paid for the B.M.W. I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Man. United season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly Bills!’
Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, ’What would you do?
The cabby replies, ’I’d cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold!!
Teacher says “now children,we had a lovely day at the farm and I do hope you`ve all learnt something so I want you to tell me some of the sounds you heard”. Mary says “baaa”, Alice says " mooo", John says “cluck cluck” and Billy says “gerroff that (zb)ing tractor”
My missus is ■■■■■■ off with me again.
Last night while she was fast asleep, I gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.
I tell you! That woman’s got no ■■■■■■ sense of humour at all!
wing-nut:
My missus is ■■■■■■ off with me again.
Last night while she was fast asleep, I gently removed her tampax and replaced it with a party popper leaving the string hanging out.
I tell you! That woman’s got no [zb] sense of humour at all!
You sir,get a gold star That’s the first time I’ve laughed today
And
A little old lady answered a knock on the door one day, only to be confronted by a well-dressed young man carrying a vacuum cleaner
“Good morning,” said the young man. "If I could take a couple of minutes of your time, I would like to demonstrate the very latest in high-powered vacuum cleaners.
“Go away!” said the old lady. “I haven’t got any money!” and she proceeded to close the door.
Quick as a flash, the young man wedged his foot in the door and pushed it wide open. “Don’t be too hasty!” he said. “Not until you have at least seen my demonstration.”
And with that, he emptied a bucket of horse manure onto her hallway carpet.
“If this vacuum cleaner does not remove all traces of this horse manure from your carpet, Madam, I will personally eat the remainder.”
“Well,” she said, “I hope you’ve got a good appetite because the electricity was cut off this morning…”
Man goes to the doctors.
‘Doctor, my knees keep asking me for money! My left knee wanted £20 from me yesterday and my right knee asked for £20 today.’
Doc says ‘Pull your trousers down so I can have a look and see what the problem is.’
Couple of minutes later, doc says. ‘I know whats wrong, you’ve got skint knees.’[emoji14]
Pat and Mick go to visit their aunt who has just bought 2 new dogs.
‘What’s their names?’ asks Pat
Aunt says ‘I’ve called one One, and the other one Two’.
Mick asks ‘Why did you call them One and Two?’
Aunt says ‘Its so that if one dies, I’ve still got two left’. [emoji37]
Went to the doctors the other day, walked in and it went a bit like this:
Me “Hello Doctor”
Doctor “Hello Dipper Dave, my god you look terrible”
Me “I know but I feel great”
Doctor “Hmm a strange one this ill have to consult my diagnosis books. Right so looks terrible feels terrible - no thats not it, feels terrible looks great - no thats not it either. Here we go looks terrible feels great, well apparently Dave your a ■■■■■■”.
