The queen & prince Philip are getting ready for bed one night , as phil is struggling out of his jockstrap the queen jumps into bed , pulls the blanket up to her chin and says " ooh look Philip , im a stamp" [emoji12]
I want a ■■■ change …
From none to some !!
I just started a business selling sausages.
Ill send you a link…
My Nan and Grandpa are called Pearl and Dean.
She likes to be called Nan, he likes to be called
Grand papapapapapapapapapaa.
My wife and I recently bought the complete breaking bad box sets and watched them back to back. Unfortunately I wasnt the one facing the screen
I came home from work the other day and my wife was wearing a slinky number. But it only really worked when she went down stairs
My parents came up last weekend. I keep them in the cellar
Jane Fonda brings her ’Keep Fit’ program on tour to the UK.
She is holding a class in a Wigan gym. After the class had performed a few exercises, she said, "Now girls, hands on thighs and they all put their hands over their eyes.
Paddy buys a second hand car from the local dealer.
He takes it back the next day to complain.
The dealer says, “What’s wrong with it , Paddy?”
Paddy says, “Well, I can only get it up to 68 up our hill”
The dealer says ?“That’s very good for a 20 year old car.”
Paddy says, “But I live at 97.”
A woman’s dog is drowning in the sea. A passing German dwarf dives in, pulls out the dog and revives it, thus saving its life. “Oh, thank you” says the woman. “Are you a little Vet?”
“A little Vet?” says the dwarf. I’m (zb)ing soaked!
damoq:
Man goes to the doctors.
‘Doctor, my knees keep asking me for money! My left knee wanted £20 from me yesterday and my right knee asked for £20 today.’
Doc says ‘Pull your trousers down so I can have a look and see what the problem is.’
Couple of minutes later, doc says. ‘I know whats wrong, you’ve got skint knees.’[emoji14]
Son goes up to his dad and says ‘Got something to tell you, I’m gay’ ffs says his father. little while later his second son comes up and tells him the same ‘I cant believe you are both gay, isn’t there anyone of you that likes fanny ?’ Daughter in the background replies ‘I do dad’.
Anyone who says marriage is an equal partnership is talking utter ■■■■■■■■!.
I gave up my mates, my motorbike, drinking, drugs, gambling…
All she gave up was bleedin ■■■ 
All my family are police marksmen. Except my uncle who was a bank robber. He died quite recently. Surrounded by his family…
Me and the wife have just been to the cinema to see that new film Suffragette.
Two hours of a woman’s struggle…full of tears, aggression, sadness, anger and frustration.
Anyway, after she finally managed to park the car in the cinema car park we rushed in and caught the credits…[emoji3]
I was in a bar the other night when this attractive young lady came up to me and said " ooh you smell nice , what have you got on " so I replied " a f@@kin hard , but I didn’t know you could smell it " !!!
I stopped my car in a lay-by last night and had ■■■ with a complete stranger.
As I sat there with one hand on the steering wheel, she suddenly climbed on top of me and said, “The deal is you must pull out just before ■■■■■■■■■■■■■
I agreed and a few minutes later, as I got the urge to shoot my load, I quickly pulled out…
Knocking some poor bugger off his motorbike.
.
.
.
A little Indian girl went crying to her mother saying ‘I don’t want to grow up to be a lesbian’
Her mother says ‘And what makes you think you will grow up to be a lesbian Minjeeta?’
Essex girl in car crash says “i think i have concussion” paramedic asks “how many fingers have i got up?” the girl replies “oh god, my fanny’s paralysed too!”
guy goes into paddy the tattooist and asks for a big red indian down his back…an hour later,he asks him,can you make him to be holding a tomahawk,paddy replies,gives a minute,im still doing the turban.
The bleedin’ dog ran off last night, so there I was walking round the park calling his name for 20mins and still couldn’t find him.
My wife said I should look harder, so I shaved my head and got a tattoo…
Still can’t find the bloody dog…
I was in Toys R Us today when I noticed a really long queue. I asked a member of staff, “What’s happening there mate?” He said, “That’s the Barbie queue.” Then like a fool, I stood in it for forty five minutes trying to get a burger.
Just heard on the radio that a Muslim group are claiming responsibility for planting bombs in hundreds of tins of alphabetti spaghetti. If they go off it could spell disaster.
Does anyone know the best way to bring up to a woman about washing her hands after shes been to the bathroom?
I dont want to give away my hiding place but shes being really unhygenic…
A skinny little white guy gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down, and says: ‘7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch ■■■■, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown.’ The white man faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to by shaking him. The big guy says: ‘What’s wrong with you?’ In a weak voice the little guy says, ‘What EXACTLY did you say to me?’ The big dude says: ‘I saw your curious look and figured I’d just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me. I’m 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch ■■■■■, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.’
The small guy says: ‘Turner Brown. . . . thank God for that, I thought you said, ‘turn around’.’ 