This bloke goes into the doctor’s surgery and…
No, I’d best start again 
History.
About 18 months ago, and over a period of several months, I’d begun to experience some numbness and loss of sensation on the outside of my left arm. This eventually extended from my left elbow to as far as the little finger of my left hand. It wasn’t troublesome or painful, so like most men, I ignored it and thought it’d go away. That wasn’t to be. 
The next thing that developed, was that sometimes I’d experience a twanging sensation in my left elbow, which was accompanied by a sudden and severe electric shock that would cause my hand to fling open unexpectedly 
Me suddenly dropping things had begun to frighten my cat, so decisive action was called for. I visited my GP and explained the problem.
My GP told me that my cat would recover.
I took the opportunity to tell my GP that I had the same numbness to a much lesser extent in my right arm too. My GP told me off for not coming to see him sooner 
and referred me to hospital for nerve conduction studies. This procedure would have been very interesting, if it wasn’t so painful.
Nerve conduction studies.
I went into the room to be met by a person wearing a white coat, no surprises there. Normally, you’d expect them to have a stethoscope around their neck, right?? but this guy looked like Rolf Harris and had a tailor’s tape measure instead.
Next I sit on the couch, having first removed my shirt. “Rolf” then starts drawing dots and arrows on my arm with a felt pen
Then he measures the distances between the dots and enters the info into a computer. “Rolf” carried on by attaching several sticky pads with electrical connectors to various points starting at my shoulder, past my elbow and ending up at the end of my little finger. Next, he connected electrical wires from each sticky pad to the computer.
So, now I’m all plugged in…Not bad up to now…except I looked a bit like Joe90 on a bad day 
TBF, the appointment letter did warn me that I’d receive several controlled electric shocks for the purpose of measuring the conductivity of the nerves in my arm. I contest the use of the words “several” and “contolled.” 
What happens next is that this guy produces a device, also connected to the computer, that I can only call a “tazer” from where it was conveniently hidden. I was severely “tazered” a lot more than several times, and I’ll freely admit that the shocks it delivered were at the absolute limit of my endurance. He then entered the results into the computer. Then he removed all the wiring and sticky pads. Bliss. I survived.
Then he tells me he needs to do exactly the same to my other arm for comparison
Apparently, the nerve signals in my arms are supposed to travel at 45 metres per second, so my reading of only 27m/s in the left arm was to be expected. He also told me that I also had a problem in my right arm, because that result was also low at 42m/s. He could tell that the problem was in my elbows, due to having taken readings from various points from the shoulder to the hand.
After this, he tells me that I need to visit my GP a fortnight later to get the results and discuss the outcome.
So, it’s back to the GP, who explains to me that I needed surgery called a “cubital tunnel release” to both elbows.
Next came a visit to the surgeon’s out-patient clinic to discuss the the procedures and choose which elbow was to be done first. Since the right elbow was painful to bend, and the fact that I’m left-handed, We agreed that the right elbow was to be done first. That took place quite uneventfully on 19/12/06. Allowing for recovery time, and having regard to my work commitments, I went to have the left elbow done on 18/12/07.
Pre-operative assessment.
Before having a general anaesthetic, it’s normal to go to the hospital for a pre-operative assessment. This highlights any issues that would be complicating factors under the anaesthetic. The nurse checked my height and weight, and the medical history of any illnesses that I’d had.
I won’t mention how thick the file is except to say that a porter brought it on a sack barrow
After finding that there’s far too much gravity in my vicinity (not my fault) I was advised to grow by 1’ 6" to get my height/weight ratio just right. In order to do the necessary growing, I’ve had to put myself through a rigorous pie-eating regime. Fortunately for me, my maker provided me with a large stomach muscle designed for the purpose.
18/12/07 the big day.
I read the instructions, and found that I wasn’t allowed to eat or drink anything after 02:30 on the morning of the op.
I couldn’t find an exemption for pies or tea, so it was a starvation diet
However, I was allowed water until 06:30 by which time I was suffering from the most severe form of pie deprivation.
I lost so much weight that I nearly floated away
So, I catch a ride to Chester and approach the building cautiously, because I know that there are people lurking inside who want to stick needles into me, inject me with drugs, then gas me and finally cut me open to see what’s inside.
Pause for thought. Now you know what goes on inside, how would you approach this place, if not cautiously 
At least there’s two ashtrays outside-- noted for later
After booking in at the goods-in window, I wait in the driver’s lounge to be called.
Strange to note is that they draw an arrow with a felt pen on the arm which is to receive their attention. I pointed out that there could be no mistake, because I’d had the other arm done the year before. Their ink, I suppose. 
After a while, they call my name, so I get changed into a rather fetching gown. Next, I get onto a trolley, they cannulate me and do the necessary. I then fall asleep counting pies downwards from ten.
When I awoke, a nurse gave me some hospital tea and a butty which this website describes as “ZB”
Note to Moderator: I didn’t swear, honest Ma’am. 
What do you think is in the blue bag, besides my slippers and dressing gown
Clues: Let’s play “I spy,” it begins with “P” and there’s more than one
Feeling much better, it’s time to go outside for a smoke, but it’s not allowed, so I got “nicked” for my trouble.
A peep around the curtains reveals one of the warders intent on preventing my escape. 
We formed an escape committee and dug tunnels, but the guards always recaptured us quite quickly.
Checking to see whether the coast was clear for another escape attempt, I discovered that the guards had put up a recognition picture of me in my emaciated condition. Freedom was through the door at the end of the corridor, but there were too many patrols.
They left nothing to chance and patrolled the corridors frequently
In the end, it was to be that I was captured for the duration.
So, what does this operation involve
The arm is cut as in the following pics.
The incision is long and deep enough to expose the “funny bone” which they then hook upwards.
They then wrap some insulating tape around the exposed and damaged wiring, and stitch it all back together again in time for tea.
In and out in a day. 
In keeping with the best traditions, here’s one we prepared earlier (last year '06.)
BTW, that’s my right elbow, nicely healed.
Since this is a family show, I’ve left out the gory bits
Here’s two pics of what my left elbow looked like a couple of days ago:
The bruising is quite normal and not painful.
====
Now for the slightly serious stuff.
Although I’ve treated this in a light hearted way, I’ve learned a couple of things along the way.
- If there’s something wrong, it’s probably better to get it checked by your GP before it develops into something that’s possibly harder to fix.
- If you get the same as I’ve had, the nerve conduction tests were as painful as I described, but PLEASE don’t let that put you off. It’s probably best to think of this as they have to be cruel to be kind, if you catch my drift.
- Everything, incuding pie deprivation is only for a day, and very probably in your best interests overall.
Thanks.
I’d like to say publicly that I thank all the doctors and nurses for their dedication and the way in which they looked after me.
I was so impressed that I “fixed” their sign on my way out of the building
My cat has now returned to active duty and guards my lappy as before.
Disclaimer: No animals were harmed in the making of this programme
if you were lucky your elbows would not have gone south in the first place.