I don’t have…
A Fakebook account but I found this on Reddit and shamelessly stole it.
MUM: So, you got a degree at Nottingham uni between 1991-94.
BROTHER: Yeah.
MUM: You were 14 in 1991, and we live 200 miles away from Nottingham.
BROTHER: You don’t know what I was doing all the time back then. I did lots of stuff.
MUM: You sure as ■■■■ didn’t commute 400+ miles every day. You were busy getting 9 Fs and a D in your GCSEs.
BROTHER: I passed a test to get in.
MUM: And you didn’t think to invite any of us to your graduation in 1994?
BROTHER: I didn’t want to make a fuss about it.
MUM: So where’s the degree?
BROTHER: They posted it to the wrong address, never got round to sorting it out.
MUM: Surely you’d have needed it for your masters degree…which you apparently got at the same university between the ages of 17 and 18. Clever, ain’t you? Must be one of the UK’s youngest ever M.Eng graduates. And the first in our family to get a degree.
BROTHER: Something like that, probably. I didn’t pay attention to the media stuff.
MUM: So why didn’t we notice you leaving every day for Nottingham for that one, considering you were working full time in a shop back then?
BROTHER: I did it online.
MUM: Oh, an internet one?
BROTHER: Yeah.
MUM: In 1994. Six years before we got the internet at home.
BROTHER: We had it before then.
MUM: I know for a ■■■■■■■ fact we didn’t get it until 2000, because the very first thing I did was make an email account with the year 2000 in it. Don’t ■■■■■■■ lie.
BROTHER: I never said I used -our- internet.
MUM: So why didn’t we get to go to your graduation on that one?
BROTHER: They don’t do graduations for online degrees.
MUM: I looked it up. The first fully online university wasn’t until 1996.
BROTHER: That’s wrong, then.
MUM: And Nottingham didn’t offer a Masters online in 1994. Or anything, in fact.
BROTHER: It was Open University. I must have written it in wrong.
MUM: Fancy. You managed to do an OU degree online years before they were online.
BROTHER: You don’t know when they started; I’m the one who did the degree so I know better than you do.
MUM: This is all ■■■■. It’s ■■■■■■■■. It’s made up. It’s a lie.
BROTHER: You don’t know everything I’ve done.
MUM: I’m not even going to mention the ‘played for Italy at schoolboy level’.
BROTHER: It’s not like I ever got into the higher ones, don’t bother about it.
MUM: You’re not even eligible to play for Italy.
BROTHER: That’s why I only got up to the schoolboy level.
MUM: …
BROTHER: You don’t know everything I’ve done.