Jokes

He laid her on the table,
So white and clean and bare.
His forehead wet with beads of sweat,
He rubbed her here and there.
He touched her neck and felt her breast,
… Then, drooling, felt her thigh.
The slit was wet and all was set,
He gave a joyous cry.
The hole was wide, He looked inside,
All was dark & murky.
He rubbed his hands and stretched his arms…
Then STUFFED the xmas TURKEY!
May I be the first to wish You all, and your dirty little minds a very MERRY XMAS…Xxxx​:snowman::snowman::snowman:lol.lol.lol

A elderly gentleman goes for a check-up. After his exam the doctor said to the to the old fella, “You appear to be in good health. Do yo u have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?”
“In fact, I do,” said the old man. “After I have ■■■ I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have it with her the second time, I am usually cold and chilly.”
After examining the old man’s elderly wife, the doctor said, “Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?”
The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. But the doctor then said to her: “Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having ■■■ with you the first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time.Do you know why?”

"Oh that crazy old b******, she replied. "That’s because the first time is usually in August, and the second time is in January.

An 85-year-old man goes to see his doctor for his regular physical exam. The doctor says that the man needs to provide a sperm sample and gives him a jar saying, “Take this jar home with you and come back tomorrow with a sperm sample.”

The next day the old man goes back to the doctors and gives him the jar, which is as clean and empty as when the doctor gave it to him. So the doctor asks what happened and why there is no sperm sample in the jar. The old man says, “Well, doc, it’s like this… first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand - nothing; then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Maisie, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing.”

The doctor is really shocked by all this and asks incredulously, “You asked your neighbor■■?”

The old man replies, "Yep, not one of us could get the jar open.

Son: “Dad, I fell in love and want to date this girl”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Sandra, the neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister.”

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later:

Son: “Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!”

Father: “That’s great, son! Who is she?”

Son: “It’s Angela, the other neighbor’s daughter.”

Father: “Ohhh, I wish you hadn’t said that. Angela is also your sister.”

This went on a few more times, and finally the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: “Mom, I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls and I can’t date any of them because dad is their father!”

The mother hugs him affectionately and says, “You can date whoever you want. He isn’t your father!”

 

Frank the farmer had a nagging wife. She made his life miserable. The only real peace he got was when he was out in the field ploughing.
One day while in the field, Frank’s wife brought him his lunch. Then while he quietly ate she berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Frank’s old donkey kicked up his back legs, struck her in the head killing her instantly.
At the funeral, the Priest noticed that when the women offered their sympathy, Frank would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
After the mourners left, the Priest approached Frank and asked, “Why did you nod your head up and down to all the women and shook from side to side to all the men?”
Well, Frank replied, “The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. And all the men asked, “Is that donkey for sale?”

*Voted the best Joke of the Year 2018 by the USA Accountant Association. *

A young woman walks into a Chartered accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her tax Returns.

The accountant says, “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”

He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, ”What’s your occupation?”

“I’m a prostitute,” she says.

The accountant is taken aback and says, “That’s too gross. Let’s try to re-phrase that."

The woman says, “OK, I’m a high-end call girl”.

“No, that still won’t work. Need something more acceptable."

They both think for a minute; then the woman says, “I’m an elite poultry farmer.”

The accountant asks, “What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?”

“Well, I raised a thousand ■■■■■ last year.”

Chartered Acct : “Brilliant !! “Poultry Farmer” it is !!! and agricultural income is tax free"

Arlene Foster is touring the countryside in her Chauffeur driven car.
Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road. They hit it full on and the car comes to a stop.
Arlene in her usual charming manner, says to the chauffeur…
“You get out and check - you were driving.”
The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. “You were driving; go and tell the farmer,” says Arlene
Five hours later the chauffeur returns totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face.
“My God, what happened to you?” asks Arlene .
The chauffeur replies: “When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of malt whisky, the wife gave me a slap-up meal and the daughter made love to me.”
“What on earth did you say?” asks Arlene
"I knocked on the door and when it was answered, I said to them…
“I’m Arlene Foster’s chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow.”

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman And she was upset.

‘You are a disrespectful pig!’ she cried. 'How dare you do this to me – a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I’m leaving you.

I want a divorce right away ! And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.

‘Go ahead,’ she sobbed,’ but they’ll be the last words you’ll say to me!’

And the husband began – 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift.

She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.

She told me that she hadn’t eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn’t eat because you’re afraid you’ll put on weight.

The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don’t wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, whi ch you don’t wear because I don’t have good taste.

I found the ■■■■ blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don’t wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don’t wear because someone at work has a pair the same.

'The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please, Do you have Anything else that your wife doesn’t use?

And that’s how we ended up on the bed…

Under new E.U. law the word “gypo” is no longer politically correct. They have to be called (caravan utilising nomadic travellers) or C.U.N.T.S. for short…

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.

The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are dose? asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“■■■■■■ Jaysus”, says the Irishman, “BMW thinks of everything

Joe woke up one morning with an enormous ■■■■■, but his wife was already preparing breakfast in the kitchen.

Joe was afraid he might spoil things by getting up, so he grabbed his cell phone and texted his wife:
“The tent pole is up,
the canvas is spread.
The hell with breakfast,
come back to bed.”

The wife answered the text:
“Take the tent pole down,
put the canvas away.
The monkey’s exhausted.
No circus today.”

So he sent another text:
“The tent pole’s still up
and the canvas still spread,
so drop what you’re doing
and come give me some head.”

To which she texted back:
“I know that your pole’s
the best in the land,
but I’m busy right now,
so do it by hand.”

Anna had lost her husband almost four years ago. Her daughter was constantly calling her and urging her to get back out into the world.

Finally, Anna said she’d go out,but didn’t know anyone.

Her daughter immediately replied, “Mom! I have someone for you to meet.”

Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asked her to join him for a weekend in Wicklow.

Their first night there, she undressed as he did.

There she stood ■■■■, except for a pair of black lacy ■■■■■■■; he was in his birthday suit.

Looking her over, he asked, “Why the black ■■■■■■■?”

She replied: “My breasts you can fondle,my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still mourning.”

He knew he was not getting lucky that night.

The following night was the same–she stood there wearing the black ■■■■■■■, and he was in his birthday suit–but now he was wearing a black condom.

She looked at him and asked: " What’s with the black condom?"

He replied, “I want to offer my deepest condolences.”

A young Roscommon boy and his father, Paddy, were visiting Liffey valley Shopping Centre for the first time. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What’s that Da?”

Paddy (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a rather heavy, not too attractive, older lady walked up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady walked between them into a small room.

The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a beautiful, young woman stepped out. The father quickly turned to his young son and excitedly said “Go get your Ma”

A woman goes to her boyfriend’s parents’ house for dinner. This is her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down and begin eating a fine meal. The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water. Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little ■■■■. It wasn’t loud, but everyone at the table heard the poot. Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed, her boyfriend’s father looked over at the dog that had been snoozing at the women’s feet, and said in a rather stern voice, “Ginger!” The woman thought, “This is great!” and a big smile came across her face. A couple minutes later, she was beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she didn’t hesitate. She let a much louder and longer ■■■■ rip. The father again looked at the dog and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger!” Once again the woman smiled and thought, “Yes!” A few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This time she didn’t even think about it. She let rip a ■■■■ that rivaled a train whistle blowing. Again, the father looked at the dog with disgust and yelled, “Dammit, Ginger, get away from her before she ■■■■■ on you!”

Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.

The barman said, “That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary.”

Taken aback, O’Leary replied, “That’s very cheap,” and handed over his money.

“We do try to stay ahead of the competition”, said the barman. “We have the cheapest beer in England”.

“That is remarkable value”, Michael comments.

“I see you don’t have a glass, you’ll need one of ours. That will be £3 please.”

O’Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.

“Ah, you want to sit down?” said the barman. “That’ll be an extra £2. If you’d pre-booked it would have cost £1.”

O’Leary swore to himself, but paid up.

“I see you’ve brought your laptop” added the barman. “That wasn’t pre-booked either, that’s another £3.”

O’Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
“I’ve had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!”

“Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second”.

“I will never use this bar again”.

“OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1.”

A tourist is driving around the back roads of Kerry and he sees a sign in front of a broken down cottage: “Talking Dog For Sale”

He knocks on the door and the owner appears and tells him the dog is around the back.

The guy goes around the back and sees a scruffy looking mongrel.

‘Are you a talking dog?’ he asks.

‘Yeah,’ the dog replies.

After the tourist recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what’s your

story?’ The mongrel looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the Gardai.

In no time at all they had me jetting from county to county, sitting in clubs and pubs with criminals and suspected bank robbers, because no one thought a dog would be eavesdropping.’ 'I was one of the Garda’s most valuable sources of information for eight years running…

But the travelling around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn’t getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security with Customs, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some big drug shipments and was given a batch of medals and awards.’

‘I got married, had a load of puppies, and now I’m just retired.’

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

‘Twenty euros,’ the guy says.

‘Twenty euros? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?’

‘Because he’s a pure Bull****ter . He’s never been out of the parish’

The train was quiet crowed, so a U.S. marine walked the entire length looking for a seat.

The only seat left was taken by a well dressed, middle aged, French woman’s poodle.

The war weary marine asked - “ma’am, may I have that seat” ?.

The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in particular - “Americans are so rude, my little fifi is using that seat”.

The marine walked the entire train again - but the only seat left was under that dog

“Please ma’am - may I sit down - I’m very tired”.

She snorted - “not only are you Americans rude - but you are also arrogant”.

This time the marine didn’t say a word - he just picked up the dog and tossed it out the train window - and sat down.

The woman shrieked - “someone must defend my honour - this American should be put in his place”.

An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up -

“Sir - you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing”.

“You hold the fork in the wrong hand - you drive on the wrong side of the road - and now - sir”

You seem to have thrown the wrong butch out the window

An old man and woman were married for many years, even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, “When I die, I
will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!”
Neighbors feared him. They believed he practiced black magic, because of the many strange occurrences that took place in their neighborhood. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. To everyone’s relief, he died of a heart attack when he was 68. His wife had a closed casket at the
wake. After the burial, she went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow.
Her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked, “Aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way up and out of the grave and come back to haunt you for the rest of your life?” The wife put down her drink and said, “Let him dig. I had him buried upside down and I know he won’t stop and ask for directions!”

BECOMING IRISH

Seven-year-old Mohammad entered his classroom in Dublin on the first day of school…

“What’s your name?”, asked the teacher.

“Mohammad,” he replied.

“You’re in Ireland now,” replied the teacher,
“so from now on you will be known as Mike.”

Mohammad returned home after school.
“How was your day, Mohammad?” his mother asked.
“My name is not Mohammad. I’m in Ireland and now my name is Mike.”
“Are you ashamed of your name?” his mother asked. “Are you trying to dishonor your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you!”
And his mother beat the ■■■■ out of him.
Then she called his father, who beat the ■■■■ out of him again.

The next day Mohammad returned to school.

The teacher saw all his fresh bruises.

“What happened to you, Mike?” she asked.

"Well, shortly after becoming an Irishman, I was attacked by two ■■■■■■■ Muslims.

Some fun:

DEAR AGING PALS:
Since Youngsters of Today have their Texting Codes ( LOL, OMG, TTYL, etc.) the Oldies decided not to be outdone by these kids, and now have developed our own codes too :

ATD - At the Doctor’s
BFF - Best Friend’s Funeral
BTW - Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT - Bring your own teeth
FWIW - Forgot Where I Was
GGPBL - Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA - Got Heartburn Again
TFT - Texting From Toilet.

Never Underestimate us, we still rock