My Dad died four years ago and at the time I had a couple of days off work at the time, then another day for the actual funeral. No great problem, had the odd teary moment since, but did the bloke thing, parked up for a few minutes and had a blub, then cracked on once I’d pulled myself together. It got easier as time went by.
Now my Mum has sadly passed away last Friday. Distressing circumstances but that’s by the by. Work have told me to “take as long as I need” but almost a week later and I’m still all over the place. Fortunately we’ve got funeral arrangements in hand and today had a meeting with solicitor to kick off the whole will/probate process. Am I taking the pee to stay off work for a whole week? Is too much to ask my employer to maybe find me some easier/shorter runs or do I need to “man up” and get on with the job?
I think I know the answers, just seeking others’ views.
When i lost my mum 5 years ago, the only day i took off was the funeral.
Keeping busy at work was my way of coping. Kept my mind occupied.
We’re all different and deal with the same situation in different ways depending on our own outlook.
For me i couldn’t imagine being sat at home with nothing to stop me dwelling on it.
I’m sorry for your loss.
Grief is a very personal and individual thing. There is no right or wrong way to deal with loss, nor is there a correct timeframe in which someone can be expected to grieve.
Your work have done the right and decent thing, by allowing you to take off whatever time you need (although you might want to check how much paid leave they allow).
I’m sure your work wouldn’t want you to come back too soon then have to go off again, so do as they suggest and take as long as necessary.
Sorry for your loss
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Roymondo:
My Dad died four years ago and at the time I had a couple of days off work at the time, then another day for the actual funeral. No great problem, had the odd teary moment since, but did the bloke thing, parked up for a few minutes and had a blub, then cracked on once I’d pulled myself together. It got easier as time went by.
Now my Mum has sadly passed away last Friday. Distressing circumstances but that’s by the by. Work have told me to “take as long as I need” but almost a week later and I’m still all over the place. Fortunately we’ve got funeral arrangements in hand and today had a meeting with solicitor to kick off the whole will/probate process. Am I taking the pee to stay off work for a whole week? Is too much to ask my employer to maybe find me some easier/shorter runs or do I need to “man up” and get on with the job?
I think I know the answers, just seeking others’ views.
I’m sorry for your loss.
I lost my Mum in sudden and distressing circumstances too, so I do understand how that feels.
I’m completely self-employed and so I’ve struggled pretty much ever since (just over 18 months now) so my thoughts are that losing a parent is something that nobody else understands until it happens to them. The only truthful thing that I can say is that it hurts less and less over time, but it probably sounds like a useless platitude that’s not much comfort when the death is still so recent.
For those who have gone through that life changing event, it’s very distressing and very individual as to how we react.
IMHO, ‘manning up’ has absolutely nothing to do with it.
R.I.P. to your Mum.
Thanks for the input. I’ll be back at work on Monday - company have said they’ll put me on simple local yard-to-yard trailer swaps to start with.
No idea why I’ve found it so difficult to cope with - when my Dad passed it seemed fairly straightforward.
Sorry to hear this.
I breathed a huge sigh of relief when my Dad died at 86, deaf, blind, hopelessly confused and doubly incontinent because it meant his suffering was over. If I was able to play God I would have had him die three years sooner than he did. You wouldn’t let a dog carry on like it.
I took the day off for his funeral but that was all. As a hard-working, practical and stoical man himself, he would not have been impressed to see me overly affected by grief to the point where it affected my ability to pay the bills, just as I would not want my children to be when I go.
But we are all different and it is entirely up to you to decide how you deal with it.
Well, it all appears to have turned out rather favourably. Up until a couple of weeks ago, my work consisted of starting around 0500 (sometimes a bit earlier, sometimes a bit later) and spending 8-10 hours doing half a dozen or more sizeable tail-lift drops into hospitals, often in Central London, in a 18T rigid. While on “light” work doing mostly local trailer movements, one of the drivers told me that he was leaving and intimated that I might find his job more suitable. A quick word with a manager and my regular work has now become a 7am start with 3 or 4 trailer swaps at another depot just a couple of miles away (with a bit of waiting/queuing on entry/exit) in the morning, then a double-deck trunk run just an hour or so down the road (with a 30 minute pump-truck session to tip the trailer). All finished by around 4pm with only around 4 hours driving all told. Subsidised company canteen available while I’m local, absolutely no time pressure at all. Already feeling a lot more relaxed at work 
Funeral Tuesday, hope to get my head into a much better place once that’s out the way.
The first one is the hardest. I lost my dad when I was 18 although I did have help with the funeral, when my mum died I was living on my own, working and had enough time off to organise stuff with my brother, then my brother died, that was difficult and still is, but life eventually moves on. I have just got married so in the natural world, it will be down to me to sort any more bereavements, or it will be the wife who has to bury me.
All my close family deaths have been sudden, which can be easier too. I understand what Harry said and Switzerland have the right idea in certain circumstances.