Hi Kenny…
You’re a not a crap partner. You need to stop thinking like that before you can move on. It sounds like you tried to do what would make her happy, and it kicked ya in the (zb) instead. A marriage between people of 2 different countries is EXTREMELY difficult. And I hope Patrick forgives me for throwing some of our personal life on this forum, but I’m gonna anyway.
People think, whether England and Ireland, or England and America, that the cultures are similar enough to adjust to. And thats just not true. Everything is different… the music, food, clothes, holidays, traditions, the language… there isn’t alot thats the same. And the lack of understanding about the differences can cause problems. And stereotypes lead to misconceptions and cause bigger problems. In order for a marriage like that to work, both people have to be very open minded.
I’m American, Pat is English. He’d been here so many times on vacation and loved it, and I couldn’t take my son away from his Dad, so we decided that he’d move here. Vacationing somewhere is a lot different than living there full time. Patrick can be very condescending about things he doesn’t understand… and I get insulted and resentful about that. It’s important to appreciate the cultural differences instead of criticizing them… thats not always easy, and we’re both guilty of it. One way of life isn’t better than the other… just different.
Patricks been here nearly 5 years now… he has a job that he likes, but has practically no close friends. As soon as he speaks in public, people stare, or whisper, or look at him like he has 3 heads…his accent is so thick that I usually have to translate for him, and he rarely talks on the CB at work because he gets nothing but abuse from other drivers… it can be hard. For the most part our marriage is ok, but realistically, me and the kids and my family are the only things he’s got here. He gets homesick… especially around Christmas time. And we’ve come close to splitting up over it. He has 2 grown children who still live in England, and he misses them. We’ve talked about moving over there, arranging permission with the court to move out of the country with my son… but then its just reversed…only it would be worse for me and my son there than it is for him here. And it would be unfair to my son’s father. And to be honest… his kids are old enough to get on a plane and come for a visit if they want to. Uprooting the rest of us for them just isn’t fair to the little ones. A trip to England every couple of years reminds Patrick that his kids are grown and have lives of their own, and that he belongs here with us.
If, God forbid, we ever did break up at this point… he’d be in the same situation as you. He now has American children. He’s raised my son as his own since moving here, and we have a daughter together. As much as he’d want to go home, he’d never leave them. I don’t know how well your exwife cooperates with your visitations, but if every spare minute you have is spent with your daughter, she must be reasonable about it. Have you tried talking to her about visitations if you moved back to London, or would that not be enough? Its hard to miss the every day things… and only see them once in a while. Being that your a truck driver anyway, how often do you actually get to see her? And would it be possible to move back to london and still see her almost as much anyway, since you do continental work?? Maybe you could get a job based in london that has regular runs to Ireland■■?
I think one thing you need to consider is that you’re in a country you hate… with people that you feel don’t accept you. You’re faced with the decision of whether to completely give up your own life and happiness for your daughter, or whether to move home, make a life for yourself that you can be happy in… and try to include her in it as much as possible. It’s a tough decision. On one hand, children are always worth the sacrifice… they didn’t ask for this situation, and as a parent, we’re responsible to them. On the other hand, you can only sacrifice your own life to a certain point… your daughter will grow up and find her own life, just like Patricks kids have, and you’ll have spent your life in a little room in a country you hate. There’s no right answer. You’re the only one that can decide what would be best for both you and your daughter.
I’m sorry this happened to you… Stop beating yourself up for it. It’s not anyone’s fault… these things just happen. I hope thing improve for you.