Earth orbital route M25 was busy, extremely busy. It got its name from the position of the main entry point for space craft coming to earth from the alpha quadrant. A fixed point based on a triangulation of the North Pole, the South Pole and deep space object M25, an open cluster in the constellation of Sagittarius, some 2 light years from earth, with a magnitude of 4.9, called unromantically IC4725, better known as the Bottleneck cluster.
UFS Coal Scuttle had been sat in a space jam on M25 for some 2 hours. So far, they had managed no more than a quarter impulse power, but most of the time they were almost completely still. From time to time, chekov broke the bordom by using the portable video screen to checkout the windows in the near space craft. occasionally he would catch a glimpse of a semi naked creature who might or might not be human.
Kirk was awoken from his fantasy by a call from Chekov. He had been dreaming about the time, he, Spock and Dr McCoy had been camping. He remembered the night when the fire refused to light and they had had to hug each other to keep warm. He had been the meat in the sandwich. A warm feeling came over him. Not unlike the warm feeling that came over him that night!
“Caapteen, we are approaching our exit!” said Chekov.
“Finally” said Kirk. “Take us to the entry point for Earth distribution Centre one Mr Chekov”
“Eye caapteen” replied Chekov.
“Uhuru, open hailing frequencies, contact the EDC1 entry point”
“Aye captain”
A strangely familiar voice came from the loudspeaker, and as the video screen cleared a strangely familiar face appeared.
“Welcome to EDC1”
Kirk started to speak. “This is Captain James T Kirk of the federa…………” his voice trailed off, then with a slight edge of surprise in his voice he continued “Sulu, is that you?”
“Aye captain Kirk” replied Sulu.“It’ me”
“I thought you were commanding a science vessel in the delta quadrant” said Kirk.
“Well you know how it is captain, cut backs and all that” Said Sulu “and there was a small incident with a young male Ensign, a chicken costume, and a large Kardasian cucumber, which wasn’t really my fault, I was merely trying the suit on for our winter pantomine of puss in boots” said Sulu bitterly.
Oh how the mighty had fallen, thought kirk.
“Mr Sulu, we have an urgent, lifesaving consignment for EDC1, we request an immediate docking station”
“Sorry captain, I need a few details first” Replied Sulu.
“Mr Sulu, we are under orders from Admiral Mitchell……”
“Admiral who?” asked Sulu
“Admiral Mitchell” replied kirk.
“Never heard of him. Now Captain Kirk, can I have your name please?”
“Sulu, you know me!” replied Kirk.
“Name please caPtain Kirk” Barked Sulu.
“Kirk, James T”
“can you spell that for me please?”
“K I R K”
“Ships name?”
“UFS Coal Scuttle” Sulu barely hid a slight sneer upon hearing the ships name.
“Registration number?” enquired Sulu.
“NCC 2791………….A” replied kirk.
“A?” sneered Sulu.” so you managed to destroy one already?”
“It wasn’t my fault” Said Kirk. “How was I to know that the Romulan War bird was going to de-cloak at the exact spot I chose to park up for the weekend?”
“Now then captain Kirk, What’s your booking time?”
“Booking time? We don’t have one, was just told to get here as quickly as possible”
Sulu Sighed. “ oh no, let me see…" there was a long pause "Ok can’t find you on the system, do you have a booking reference?” Asked Sulu.
“Booking reference? No, sorry”
“Oh dear” said Sulu. “No reference, I can’t let you in, you will have to go away, and come back when you get one”
“Dam it Sulu, these are emergency supplies, we have to get in”
“Sorry captain, goods in won’t unload you without a booking reference. Nip back to the space service station, call in to your office, and come back when you’ve got a reference. Sulu out”
Kirk was fuming. “Uhuru, get me Admiral Mitchell’s office now”
“Captain?” Said Spock.
“Not now Mr Spock. Chekov, take us back to the space services full impulse.”
“Captain” said Spock.
“Not now Spock. Uhuru did you get me………”
Spock interrupted him. “Captain, if there is a booking reference, would it not be logical for it to be on the paperwork?” Asked Spock.
Kirk paused. “ agh,……yes……I was wondering who would be the first to pick up on that! Well done Mr Spock.”
The ship returned to the entry point and Kirk gave the reference number.
“Right captain Kirk, do all you crew have hi viz space suits, steel tipped space boots and hard space helmets?” asked Sulu.
“Yes of course” replied Kirk.
“fine Captain I just need you and your crew to watch this brief health and safety video, then you can proceed to the goods in waiting area.”
One hour later the film finished.
“My god Jim, that was boring” exclaimed Dr McCoy, who had entered the bridge to check that nobody had died of boredom.
“I found it fascinating” Said Spock.
“Why you green blooded philistine. You wouldn’t know how to enjoy yourself in an Arcturian 3 ■■■■■’s bedroom!”
“Dr I can assure you that I would not enter an Arcturian 3 ■■■■■’s bedroom” replied Spock.
“Bones, Spock meet me in transporter room 2. Mr Scott, prepare to beam us down.” Kirk ordered.
Scotty was not impressed. He was in the middle of re calibrating the plasma injectors to the warp field anti matter transfer units, he was also trying to get the small leak in Dilithium chamber 12 fixed, and finding someone to unblock carsi number 5. Typical of kirk, he thought, there’s me, the highest qualified engineer in Star fleet, it takes 3 pages of Encyclopaedia Galactica just to put all the letters after my name, I’ve got engineering degrees from every known university in the galaxy, and he wants me to beam him down! I have single celled amoeba in my team who have the brain power to press a few buttons, but oh no! Mr God almighty kirk wants Scotty to do it. One of these days, Scotty thought, I’m going to transport his corset and wig 3 feet to one side, see how he likes being treated like an idiot!
Ensign Armstrong joined Star fleet 3 years before. His family had a long tradition of space travel, in fact, it was rumoured that one of his ancestors had been involved in the first moon landings. Apparently, he had been a hot dog seller at Cape Canaveral on the day that Apollo 11 had been launched.
Armstrong had wanted to enter the star fleet academy ever since he was a young teenager. He had read about the exploits of his hero captain James Tiberius Kirk, and had so wanted to graduate from the academy and join the USS enterprise. Unfortunately, he was too stupid to get into the academy, and anyway, by the time he would have graduated, Kirk had already destroyed 3 USS enterprises. As compensation, he had managed to get himself onto the UFS Coal Scuttle as a security guard. Imagine his excitement when he found out that his captain was none other than his childhood hero, James T Kirk!
Ensign Armstrong didn’t want to die, he had just made out with the young yeoman from rigel 5, what a cracker she was. OK, so she was dark blue, and had 3 chins, but what she could do with that extra hand was incredible.
Ensign Armstrong didn’t want to die, but he had just been called to transporter room 2, told he was accompanying Kirk on an away mission, and handed a red shirt! Everyone knows when you beam down with captain Kirk, the one in the red shirt hardly ever comes back!
They rematerialized inside the goods in office. It was a dull, depressing place, in need of repair. The paint was flaking from the walls, and, apart from a few dog eared posters, some graffiti and a large hatch with 2 glass panes, the room was empty. Kirk waited by the hatch. On the other side was a young female, obviously an immigrant worker from another planet, she had a pony tail, a real pony tail, a second pair of eyes on the side of her head, and a long protruding trunk. Kirk thought her not unattractive.
Eventually she looked up from polishing her hooves and slid open the hatch.
“Got yer paperwork?” she said.
Kirk handed it over.
“We’re on a shift change at the moment, go wait in your space ship, and we’ll call you when we’re ready.”
“How long will that be?” asked Kirk, “we have urgent, lifesaving emergency supplies for admiral Mitchell”
“Admiral who?” asked the girl.
“Admiral Mitchell” replied Kirk.
“Never heard of im” said the female. “You’ll just have to wait until we are ready for you”
Kirk sighed; getting this shipment delivered was harder than crossing the open plains on Algol 4 in 120C heat with a large Aldabran skunk monster on your back.
