As the coal scuttle worked its way slowly out of space depot 29, kirk gave Chekov his orders.
“Lay in a course for earth Mr Chekov, warp factor 5”
“Warp 5 caapteen, but you know our top speed is only warp 3”
“Mr Spock, how long to earth at Warp 5?” asked kirk.
“Approximately 7 hours, 26 minutes, 14.29 seconds captain.”
“And how long at warp 3?”
Approximately 5 days, 2 hours, 42 minutes………”
“Yes thank you Mr Spock, I get the picture”
Kirk pressed the intercom, “kirk to engineering, Mr Scott I need more power”
Scotty replied “Captain I’m givin her all I can”
“Dam it Scotty, I need more speed!” exclaimed kirk.
“Captain I canna change the laws of fyusics, If I push her any more, she’ll blow”
“Ok Mr Scott do the best you can”
“Aye aye captain” replied Scott, then under his breath “Idjet”
3 days later kirk sat in the captain’s chair, it had been an uneventful 3 days, and he was beginning to relax. As he sat there, his eyes wandered to the large expanse of thigh that Lt Uhuru was showing. My god, he thought, when is she going to realise that she is no longer the ■■■ goddess of old, I mean, 50 years ago when we were both at the academy, she was something, many’s the night I went to bed dreaming of having those thighs wrapped around my face, but come on woman, you’re getting on a bit, do us all a favour and wear trousers.
His thoughts were broken by Mr Spock.
“Captain there is a vessel approaching us from behind, it’s gaining rapidly on us, and will overtake us in approximately 2 minutes”
“Any idea who it is?” asked Kirk.
“it’s passing us now captain”
“Put it on screen Mr Chekov”
“aye Captain”
The large video screen at the front of the bridge spluttered into life and from the darkness, a threatening looking hulk began to appear. It was covered in strange yellow and black markings. Suddenly from on top, several bright orange lights started to flash, and a large illuminated sign spelled out the words “FOLLOW ME” in large red letters.
Kirk sighed, he knew things had been starting to go too well, and this was all he needed, a star lane side inspection from the Vulcan Outer Space Agency, aka, VOSA. He turned to Uhuru. “Open hailing frequencies”
“This is captain James T kirk of the UFS coal scuttle, we are on an urgent life and death mission to earth, with orders from Admiral Mitchell to make all possible speed”
“Admiral who?” came the reply.
“Admiral Mitchell” kirk answered.
“Never heard of him” replied the Vulcan. “This is first proletariat Akzor of the Vulcan Outer space Agency; this is a routine check captain Burke and won’t take too long, if you will just comply with our request”
“Captain Kirk” replied Kirk.
“Apologies Captain Kurd. My inspectors will beam over and carry out a full check on your craft, please give them every co-operation”
Kirk turned the radio off, and quickly called Scotty.
“Scotty, we have VOSA on their way for an inspection, everything ok?”
“Aye captain apart from a small leak in dilithium chamber 12, but it shouldn’t cause any problems”
“Mr Chekov, are all the tachograph records legal?” asked Kirk.
“Of course Captain, it would be welly silly of me to break the star fleet helmsman’s hour’s laws” replied Chekov.
The VOSA inspectors went through the UFS Coal Scuttle with a fine tooth comb, they checked the lights, the engines, the warp engine nacelles, the transporters, the medical centre, they even check out the staff canteen, helping themselves to large quantities of Aldebaran 5 googlespit cheese cake, a great delicacy in the Aldebaran sector, but, as Scotty had said, they found little wrong except for the small leak in dilithium chamber 12, one of the top nearside outer marker lights had blown, a blockage in Carsi number 5, or cargo assimilation bunker 5 where waste products were recycled. on the lower 12th deck, and Chekov had not taken a full 45 minute break 2 days ago.
“Do you have your daily check sheet with you Captain Nurd?” asked FP Akzor. “Right, normally we would make you wait here until that dilithium leak was fixed, however it would be illogical to hold you here, when you are going to earth where you can get the leak sealed much better, so I am allowing you to proceed, however, you must report to your nearest VOSA station within 7 days and show a complete repair”
“Ok Captain Jerk, if I could just see your licence please” asked Akzor. “that will be 3 points and 150 credits fine for the marker light, 3 points and 1000 credits for the dilithium leak and 3 points and 150 credits for the breach of hours by your helmsman, we’ll let you off the blocked carsi. You can pay by visa if you wish.”
Kirk grimaced and produced his licence and his Visa card. At that moment he was wondering what would be the fine for beaming a VOSA official into the middle of Uranus.
“Don’t forget your space Captains CPC” said akzor, who inspected it with a magnifying glass “fine, can’t be too careful, apparently there are a number of romulan forgerys doing the rounds. we’ll let you get on your way captain”
As he walked towards the transporter, Akzor gave kirk the traditional Vulcan salute, palm facing forward, fingers together then parted between the middle and fore finger.
“Live long and prosper” he said.
At that moment, Kirk remembered an ancient salute he had picked up on a trip to London. Raising his hand palm inwards, he extended his index and middle fingers and said “up yours!”
even better than the first!