Captains Log, star date 27059 point 37, UFS Coal Scuttle, Captain Kirk reporting. I sit in my quarters and wonder, where did it all go wrong? In my career with Starfleet, I have been an official ambassador for the Federation, an admiral, and captain of numerous federation flagship star ships, even a Klingon War Bird. Why did I end up as captain of this rust bucket? Was it the fact that I singlehandedly started wars between the federation and the Klingons? The federation and the Romulans, the federation and…well you get the picture. Maybe it was that I managed to have at least 4 of my commands destroyed including the Klingon war bird?
At least the majority of my former crew mates stayed loyal to me, took the rough with the smooth, all that is except that back stabbing, two faced yellow Judas Sulu, who sold me out to the federation for the price of a command of a shiny new, science vessel, full of young nubile female scientists, and, if I know Sulu, a few pretty boys too. I can see him now, in his shades sitting on the bridge, sneering at me.
Just then there was a shrill whistle from the intercom, and the voice of Lt Uhuru broke through kirks thoughts.
“Bridge to Capt. Kirk, there is an incoming message from freight fleet, code 1 captain."
Code 1? That meant Captains eyes only! Wow this could be serious.
“Ok Uhuru put it through to my quarters”
“aye, aye Captain”
The view screen flickered for a few seconds, and then the face of Admiral Mitchell appeared on the screen.
“Good day Captain, hope you are well, we have an urgent task for you. There is an urgent assignment waiting at space depot 29 that has to get to earth as quickly as possible. Knowing that you were in the quadrant, I have decided that you are the man for the job. I can’t stress how important this is Captain, without these supplies there will be a lot of suffering on earth in the coming days”
“You can rely on me sir” replied kirk. ”we’ll get underway right away admiral”
“Ok, good luck Captain……oh and Kirk?”
“Yes sir?”
“Try not to destroy any planets, Mitchell out!”
Kirk let this message sink in. at last, he had been handed an opportunity to redeem himself with Star fleet. If he could successfully make this urgent delivery in time to save the earth, they might, just might, give him command of a star ship again.
He pressed the intercom. “Kirk to Bridge, Mr Chekov?”
“Yess Capteen?” replied Chekov.
“Plot a course for Star base 29, maximum warp. Engage”
“Eye, eye capteen”
Kirk thought for a moment, how is it possible that Chekov has spent nearly 40 years in space, hardly ever returning to earth, and yet he still has the worst Russian accent in the galaxy?
Kirk made his way to the bridge. Commander Spock was sitting in the command chair, but arose and offered it to Kirk, this was not the first time Spock had offered kirk his seat.
“Mr Spock, we have an urgent life and death mission, the survival of the entire earth may depend upon us”
“Understood Captain, do we know the nature of our cargo?”
“It’s highly secret.” Replied kirk “so secret in fact that only a handful of people know”
Spock thought to himself “you don’t know, do you Kirk!” but replied to the captain " yes captain, that would be logical”
Several hours later, the UFS coal Scuttle was in orbit around the space depot 29.
“open hailing frequencies Uhuru” ordered Kirk.
“This is Captain James T kirk of the federation starship……”
“Federation Freight ship” interrupted Spock.
“federation Freight ship Enterprise” continues kirk.
“Coal Scuttle” corrected Spock.
“Coal Scuttle” said kirk. “we have an urgent collection to make for earth, we require an immediate docking bay for loading”
“Sorry captain, they’ve all gone for lunch, can you come back in an hour?” replied a rather bored sounding voice.
“Gone for lunch? Gone for lunch?” yelled Kirk, “listen the entire population of earth is in grave danger, we can’t wait while they eat their sandwiches, get me on a bay now!”
There was a pause, and then the rather less bored voice replied. “No use screaming at me Captain, I’m just the booking in clerk, you need goods out”
“we have explicit orders from admiral Mitchell to proceed here at full speed, load an urgent assignment for earth, and make all possible speed.”
“admiral who?” came the reply.
“Admiral Mitchell” Shouted kirk.
“Never eard of im.” Replied the voice.
“ok” said the voice, “ you best park your bum on dock 27, but you’ll still have to wait until they come back from lunch before you get loaded.
At that precise moment, kirk wished he had a couple of photon torpedoes that he could shove where no sun had shone.
An hour later, kirk found himself in the goods out office looking over a counter at the top of a balding head.
“Well we ain’t been told about no “urgent” consignment for earth, you sure it was space depot 29, and not 19?” enquired the head.
“Admiral Mitchell himself contacted me and specifically said 29” replied kirk.
“Admiral who?” Asked the head.
“Admiral Mitchell” replied Kirk.
“Never eard of im. well we ain’t got no paperwork here about no urgent consignment, best you call this Admiral Mitchell and ask im wot e’s on about” Said the head.
Kirk returned to the coal Scuttle. “Uhuru, get me admiral Mitchell at Starfleet command”
Don’t you mean Freight fleet command captain? Enquired Uhuru.
“yes, yes” replied Kirk in an annoyed manner.
Several hours later, Kirk finally got the call he had been waiting for.
“Ok Captain, we found out about this consignment, they just sent us down the paperwork, it’s being picked now so we should start loading you within the hour”
At last though kirk, now finally we are getting somewhere. The excitement of being back in the thick of the action was growing, he couldn’t remember being so excited since he accidentally found Nurse Chappell and Yeoman Rand in an intimate embrace, dressed in high heeled, thigh high boots, leather thongs, and ■■■■■■ tassles. He had wanted to borrow them so that he could get Spock drunk and persuade him to model them for him.
His thoughts were broken by the vibration from the loading bay below decks, at last they were starting to load, shouldn’t take long now, one pallet every 2 minutes, 30 pallets, they would be on their way in just over an hour.
Just over an hour later, they were still waiting for the last 2 pallets. What was keeping them? Kirk wandered into the goods out office where he found the head, still looking down at the computer screen in front of him.
“Any idea how much longer it will take to load us” asked Kirk.
“Well we waiting for the last 2 pallets to be brung over to us. Replied the head.
“Brung………Brought over from where?” asked Kirk.
“Space depot 24. Don’t worry, they won’t be long. Had to get some more from them as we run out see”
“Can we get going as soon as they arrive?” asked Kirk.
“Once he paper works done, yep” replied the head.
“Can’t we do that now? Asked kirk.
“No way” said the head “we got to scan the labels.”
Two hours later, the final pallets had been loaded and the paperwork signed. Kirk was back on the bridge.
“Ok Mr Chekov, take us out of here, impulse engines, engage!”
There was a jolt, and the sound of metal grinding, as the freighter came to a halt.
Chekov looked sheepish.
“Kirk to Scott, what happened Mr Scott?”
Chief engineer Scott clicked on his intercom. “we stalled captain. I told Chekov about not letting the clutch out so hard. I’ve just reset the dilitium crystals, tell that great lummux Chekov to take it easy this time”
Kirk sighed, they still had a long, long way to go!
To be continued!
so there really is no hope! We’re all doomed, doomed I tell ye!
