Whats worse than Michael Jackson Looking after your kids■■?
Ian Huntley bathing them.
Ba dom Tish!!
Sorry once again
GEE
[Hope the censor picks out certain words in these as I don’t have the time to hunt them all out and [zb] them. Guess that’s what it’s there for 
]
Just a selection :
A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girlfriend’s birthday. As they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal.
Accompanied by the girlfriend’s younger sister, he went to Dillards and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of ■■■■■■■ for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the ■■■■■■■.
The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:
I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night. All my love.
PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.
–
Two old friends are just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag calls out to them, “Do you mind if join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”
“Sure,” they say, “You’re welcome.”
So they start playing and enjoy the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asks the guy, “So, what do you do for a living?”
“I’m a hit man.”
“You’re joking!”
“No, I’m not,” he says, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper’s rifle with a large telescopic sight.
“Here are my tools.”
“That’s a beautiful telescopic sight,” says the other friend, “Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here.”
So he picks up the rifle and looks through the sight in the direction of his house.
“Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic! I can see right in the window!”
“Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she’s naked! What’s that? Wait a minute, that’s my next-door neighbour in there with her… He’s naked, too! That ■■■■■!”
He turns to the hitman, “How much do you charge for a hit?”
“I do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger.”
“Can you do two for me now?”
“Sure, what do you want?”
“First, shoot my wife. She’s always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth. Then the neighbour. He’s actually a friend of mine, so just shoot his ■■■■ off to teach him a lesson.”
The hitman takes out the rifle and takes aim, standing perfectly still for about a minute.
“Well, are you going to do it or not?” asks the friend impatiently.
“Just wait a second, be patient,” says the hitman calmly, “I think I can save you a grand here…”
–
Twelve priests were about to be ordained. The final test was for them to line up in a straight row, totally ■■■■, in a garden while a ■■■■ and beautiful, big breasted, ■■■■ model danced before them.
Each priest had a small bell attached to his ■■■■■ and they were told that anyone whose bell rang when she danced in front of them would not be ordained because he had not reached a state of spiritual purity.
The beautiful model danced before the first candidate, with no reaction.
She proceeded down the line with the same response from all the priests until she got to the final priest (Carlos).
As she danced, his bell began to ring so loudly that it flew off and fell clattering to the ground. Embarrassed, Carlos took a few steps forward, and bent over to pick it up.
Then, all the other bells started to ring…
–
Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
“In honor of this holy season,” Saint Peter said, “you must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.” The first man fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. It represents a candle, he said. You may pass through the pearly gates Saint Peter said. The second man reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, “They’re bells” . Saint Peter said you may pass through the pearly gates. The third man started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women’s ■■■■■■■. St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize? "The man replied, “They’re Carols”.
[haha! I love it!]
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There are two crisps walking down the road and suddenly a car pulls up and says “Do you want a lift?” so the two crisps look at each other and one of them says “No thanks mate we’re Walkers.”
–
As a young boy, Joe was completely obsessed with tractors.He had
pictures of tractors all over his bedroom walls; he had tractor
toys, tractor T-shirts, a tractor carpet, and duvet cover, the
whole works. He ate, drank and slept tractors.
On his 17th birthday he was thrilled to get an invitation to go to
a tractor factory nearby and test-drive a brand new tractor. His
excitement was incredible as he told his family and friends. The
great day came and he went to the factory for the test-drive.
Unfortunately something went terribly wrong with the tractor when
Joe was driving it and it flipped over, trapping and breaking Joe’s
leg and fracturing his skull. He was so upset and tried to sue the
tractor company for negligence. But the company would have none of
it and told him there was no liability and he could get lost!
You can imagine he was rather cheesed off with tractors after this
and vowed to shed them from his life completely and forever.
All the posters came down, the toys were given away - tractors were
GONE.
Many years later, Joe went into a bar for a drink. Inside, the cigarette
and cigar smoke was terrible but through it he saw a beautiful girl
seated at the bar on her own. Tears were streaming down her face. Joe
asked her what was wrong and she said that the smoke was making her
eyes sting and stream with tears.
With that, Joe looked around and then took a huge breath, sucking
in all the smoke. He then walked outside into the car park and blew
all the smoke out again. He went back into the bar where the air
was now clear and sweet and sat down next to the girl.
“That was amazing!” she said, “How did you do that?”
“No problem”, said Joe, “I’m an extractor fan”
[groan]
–
INSTRUCTIONS FOR GIVING YOUR CAT A PILL
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Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
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Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.
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Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with lef hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of 10.
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Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from garden.
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Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, holding front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold cat’s head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.
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Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.
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Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with its head just visible from below spouse’s armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force cat’s mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.
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Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink glass of water to take taste away. Apply band-aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.
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Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with elastic band.
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Fetch screwdriver from garage and put door back on hinges. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Throw T-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.
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Ring fire brigade to retrieve cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil wrap.
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Tie cat’s front paws to rear paws with garden twine and bind tightly to leg of dining table. Find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Force cat’s mouth open with small spanner. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of fillet steak. Hold head vertically and pour 1/2 pint of water down throat to wash pill down.
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Get spouse to drive you to emergency room; sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Stop by furniture shop on way home to order new table.
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Arrange for vet to make a housecall.
[lol]
–
The local pub was so certain that its barman was the strongest man
around that they offered a standing £1000 bet. The barman would
squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass and then hand
the lemon to a customer. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of
juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time
(weight-lifters, bricklayers, etc.) but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick
National Health glasses and a polyester suit and said in a tiny
squeaky voice: “I’d like to try the bet”. A few minutes later, after
the rauchous laughter had died down, the barman said OK, grabbed a
lemon,and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the
peel to the puny little man. But the crowd’s laughter rapidly turned
to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and
six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the barman paid
the £1000, and asked the little man: “What do you do for a living?
Are you a weight-lifter, a bricklayer or what?”
The man replied:
“I work for the Inland Revenue”.
–
An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a smalltavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the firsttime we had ■■■ together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavernwhere you leaned against the fence and I made love to you.” “Yes,” she says,“I remember it well.”“OK,” he says, “How about taking a stroll 'round there again and we can doit for old time’s sake.”“Oooooooh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea,” she answers.There’s a police officer sitting in the next booth listening to all this,and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I’ve got to see this…twoold-timers having ■■■ against a fence. I’ll just keep an eye on them sothere’s no trouble."So he follows them. They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other forsupport, aided by a walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of thetavern and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takesher knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around andas she hangs on to the fence, the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt intothe most furious ■■■ that the watching policeman has ever seen. They arebucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about fortyminutes!She’s yelling, “Ohhhh, God!” He’s hanging on to her hips for dear life.This is the most athletic ■■■ imaginable. Finally, they both collapsepanting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learnedsomething about life that he didn’t know. He starts to think about his ownaged parents and wonders whether they still have ■■■ like this. After abouthalf an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle totheir feet and put their clothes back on.The policeman, still watching thinks, that was truly amazing, he was goinglike a train. I’ve got to ask him what his secret is. As the couple pass, hesays to them. “That was something else, you must have been having ■■■ forabout forty minutes. How do you manage it? You must have had fantastic lifetogether. Is there some sort of secret?”“No, there’s no secret,” the old man says, “except that fifty years ago thatdamn fence wasn’t electric.”
[hahahahahah!!!]
–
Johnny’s next door neighbor had a baby. Unfortunately, the little baby was born with no ears. When they arrived home from the hospital, the parents invited Little Johnny’s family to come over and see their new baby.
Little Johnny’s parents were very afraid their son would have a wise crack to say about the baby. So, Little Johnny’s dad had a long talk with Little Johnny before going to the neighbors. He Said, “Now, son…that poor baby was born without any ears. I want you to be on your best behavior and not say one word about his ears, or I’m really going to spank your backside when we get back home.” “I promise not to mention his ears at all,” said Little Johnny.
At the neighbor’s home, Little Johnny leaned over the crib and touched the baby’s hand. He looked at it’s mother and said, “Oh, what a beautiful little baby!” The mother, who had braced herself for Johnny’s comment, was pleasantly surprised and said, “Thank you very much, Little Johnny.” He then said, "This baby has perfect little hands, feet, then said, “Why…just look at his pretty little eyes… Did his doctor say he can see good?” The Mother said a bit bewildered, hesitantly replies “Why, yes…his doctor said he has 20/20 vision, why do you ask?” Little Johnny said, “Well, it’s a good thing, cause that little ■■■■■■ can’t wear glasses”.
[haha! these get better…]
–
A father is waiting for his wife to give birth. after the birth the doctor informs the father that his son was unfortunatly born without torso, arms or legs, but the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 18 yrs, his son is now old enough for his first drink.
His dad takes him to the local pub, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him & orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his son. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the barman shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.
Swoooop! A torso pops out!
The pub is dead silent; then bursts into a cry of joy.
The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink! Take another drink!”
The barman shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! 2 arms pop out.
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant “Take another drink! Take another drink!”
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last few dregs.
Swoooop! 2 legs pop out.
The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God.
The boy stands up on his new legs & stumbles to the left… then to the right… right through the front door, into the street, where a van runs over him and kills him instantly.
The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief.
The barman sighs and says…
“He should have quit while he was a head!”
[groan]
–
A man and a woman are driving along when they see a wounded skunk on the side of the road. They stop, the woman gets out, picks it up, and brings it into the car.
She says, “Look, its shivering, it must be cold. What should I do?”
He says, “Put it between your legs.”
She says, “What about the smell?”
He says, “Hold its nose.”
–
Six reasons computers must be female… In no order of importance
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As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
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No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
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Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
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The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
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The message, “Bad command or file name,” is about as informative as “If you don’t know why I’m mad at you, then I’m certainly not going to tell you.”
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As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your wage on accessories for it.
Quality Rob 