Ducks and Golf

A chap walks into a bar carrying three ducks, puts them down on the bar and orders a pint
The barman is very restrained so decides not to say owt
The chap orders another pint drinks it and orders a third pint but asks where the toilets are
While the chaps out at the toilet the barmans curiosity gets the better of him so he says to the first duck “Hello have you had a nice day whats your name then?”
The first duck replies “Huey” “Yes great I,ve been in and out of puddles all day.”
The barman says to the second duck"Whats your name and have you had a good day?"
The second duck replies “Duey” “wonderful, in and out of puddles all day”
The barman turns to the third duck and says, “I suppose your name is Luey”
The third duck looks at him and says

" No it isnt its Puddles------and dont ask"

A guy and his date were parked on a back road way out of town.
Things started to heat up and he began to undo her dress.
“I probably should have mentioned this before,” she said,
“but I’m a prostitute and if you want to have ■■■ with me, it will cost you 20 dollars”
The guy wasn’t happy, but he paid up.
Afterwards, he got dressed but just sat in the driver’s seat without starting the engine.
“Why aren’t we going anywhere?” asked the woman.
“I probably should have mentioned this before,” he replied,
“but I’m a taxi driver and if you want to get back to town, it will cost you 30 dollars!”

On a golf tour in Ireland, Tiger Woods drives his BMW into a petrol station in a remote part of the Irish countryside.
The pump attendant obviously knows nothing about golf, greeting him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of the identity of the golfing pro. “Top of the mornin’ to yer, sir,” says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.
“What are those?” asks the attendant.
“They’re called tees,” replies Tiger.
“Well, what on the good earth are they for?” inquires the Irishman.
“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving,” says Tiger.
" Jaysus," says the Irishman, “BMW tinks of everything!”

pmsl

I went to Autoglas in Leicester the other day. I went through the gate slowley in the artic and got off the Irish security guard. "Hurry up will you, you’ll miss a thousand things going throught at a speed like that. "

Strange but true .

There’s a guy who is an avid bikerider. Actually he’s a motorcycle fanatic. He has not missed a weekend ride out in years. Every Saturday and Sunday morning he gets up very early and goes meets his mates for a good few hours ride.

On this one morning, he gets up early, dresses quietly, puts on his leathers, and goes out to the garage to prepare to leave. While he’s out there the weather starts to turn. It’s blowing a gale, sleet, snow and hail are pouring down from te sky and there are gusts of up to 60mph.

He comes back into the house and turns the TV to check the weather report and is upset to learn that it’s going to be bad weather all day long.

So he puts his bike back into the garage and comes back inside. He quietly undresses and slips back into bed where he cuddles up to his wife’s back, and whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she replies, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out riding his bike today?”