I got attacked by three fellas last night.
I managed to knock one out.
Probably not the best time to ■■■■■■■■■■ but it could’ve been my last chance!
I witnessed absolutely disgusting behaviour on Worthing beach yesterday. Saw a man and woman having an almighty argument in front of a load of kids. Suddenly the woman smacked the guy on the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took out his truncheon to the man. The guy managed to ■■■■■■ it off him and began to assault the copper and his wife.
Then, out of nowhere, a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages.
silly pair of sod’s. 
A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and get on really well, the horse invites the donkey back to his place for some more drinks, when they get back the donkey sees the walls are covered in pictures of the horse winning the derby, the grand national, the oaks etc etc.
So anyway they have a great night and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend, donkey agrees and they go their separate ways.
Anyway the dreaded day arrives and the donkey panics and wonders what he can do to impress this champion hourse. Luckily whilst shopping he sees a picture of a Zebra, right I’ll have that he thinks and takes the picture home and hangs it up in the living room.
Later that evening the horse arrives and the donkey shows him to the living room whilst he goes and prepares drinks, no sooner had the donkey left the living room when the horse shouts: “Hey donkey who’s this a picture of”.
Trotting back into the living room the donkey says: “why that’s a picture of me…when I used to play for Juventus”.
Dipper_Dave:
A horse and a donkey meet in a bar one night, they get chatting and get on really well, the horse invites the donkey back to his place for some more drinks, when they get back the donkey sees the walls are covered in pictures of the horse winning the derby, the grand national, the oaks etc etc.So anyway they have a great night and the horse suggests going to the donkeys house the next weekend, donkey agrees and they go their separate ways.
Anyway the dreaded day arrives and the donkey panics and wonders what he can do to impress this champion hourse. Luckily whilst shopping he sees a picture of a Zebra, right I’ll have that he thinks and takes the picture home and hangs it up in the living room.
Later that evening the horse arrives and the donkey shows him to the living room whilst he goes and prepares drinks, no sooner had the donkey left the living room when the horse shouts: “Hey donkey who’s this a picture of”.
Trotting back into the living room the donkey says: “why that’s a picture of me…when I used to play for Newcastle”.
More believable. Juve are a good team and have never had a donkey play for them. Newcastle on the other hand…
A blind man and his dog walk into a shop.
All of a sudden the man starts swinging the dog round above his head with the lead. The shopkeeper shouts over “Hey, what the ■■■■ are you doing?”
The blind man replies “It’s ok, I’m just having a look round”.
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Man walks into a pub with a crocodile on a leash. Barman says you can’t have that in here. But it’s a special crocodile says the man he does tricks. Man slaps the crocodile across the head and as it opens its mouth he puts his willy in and it gives him a bj. Man asks what do you think , do you want a go. Barman says sure, but you won’t slap me that hard will you.
I thought you could keep a chicken in the freezer for three months but I put one in last night and it was dead this morning.
I think the person watching this clip with me has the funniest name of all time - or is it just me?? Jim.
Shakespeare walks into a pub, the barman shouts get out…yer bard.
Man walks into a bar.
“Ouch!”
It was an iron bar.
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I love venison, me!!!
It’s deer though.
The captain announces: “Good evening everybody and welcome aboard flight Q.F. 098 to Hong Kong. The weather on route should be calm so sit back and … OH SH*T!!!”.
A short while later he speaks again: "So sorry if I alarmed you ladies and gentlemen. I spilled hot coffee on my lap. You should see the front of my pants.
A passenger in economy class shouts out “Do you have any idea what the back of my pants look like now!!?”
Had a 4 hour load the other day and while I sat their contemplating the meaning of life and debating whether a quick snifter at some ■■■■ was possible two blokes in the roadworks opposite caught my eye. All that was happening was one bloke was walking along digging a hole then this other fella was following him and filling it back in.
Anyway curiosity got the better of me and I went up to the lads and asked them what they where doing. They just said: " Well mate normally there’s three of us but the fella who plants the trees is off sick"…
Three people walk into a building.
You’d have thought one of them saw it. Jim.