Farmer Giles had a rough day

As we all know, truckers are very prone to suffer from the Farmer Giles, in fact I had a severe case many years ago where a collection of farmers decided it would be a good idea to form an alliance and hold the AGM in Windy Bottom, it required serious negotiations and a promise of self loving aftercare to persuade them to retreat back to home soil.

Which brings me onto my current dilemma, I have recently started to get a familiar but unwanted and sudden sign that something isn’t quite right on the exhaust. It is renown for emitting a noxious gas that can stop a raging elephant in its tracks and nothing has changed in that regard, I still have a regular time to drop the kids off at the pool and my diet has been unchanged for many years. The sign that has brought me to ponder whether another alliance is forming in haste of the EU fallout is the showing of claret on the clean up mission.

Now it’s not gushing like a burst artery but there is enough to increase my heart rate in a slight panic and so far I have managed stem the flow with a good clean and not need worry about walking with a slug trail behind me. So tonight, after my shower, I decided to take a peek a boo.

Option 1, place mirror on floor and squat. The focal distance was not on my side and my readers gave no assistance other than to blur out the very thing I needed to see. If I’m honest I was actually grateful.

Option 2, call the wife upstairs and seek her loyalty in the ‘for better for worse’ promise of many moons ago. Now my wife makes a great sarnie but as an adventurous try anything once girl, she would rather make a nice sarnie. Not the type to play the ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■. Things are looking desperate.

Option 3, use modern technology! Mobile phone camera. Now this is where I can shine! I can take a photo and just pretend it is a capture from 38 minutes into a film And this is where the trouble started, trying to get the right arms length with the right zoom proved to be nightmare. Looking at the screen and thinking you have the money shot fails as you reach for the shutter button. The image looks like budget movie shot on the moon when you were hoping to see the surface of Uranus. My phone has a voice command to take pictures so I activate that, I place the phone on the floor, lower myself into position so I can see the rusty sheriffs badge and shout the voice command ----SMILE

My good lady hears me shouting upstairs and comes up, opens the door to see me naked and squatting over the phone. I start giggling at look on her face and she slams the door and leaves me to it.

The good news is that the farmers are not uniting for an all out strike and I need to be less vigorous with the tissue and think about switching to wipes.

Dipper Dave will be along soon to edit your thread about haemeroids to include a photo of the come shot .
By the way, when you took the photo of your rear suspension, it has gone viral around the world on social media .
More hits than Ronnie Pickering .

Last thing I need in that dept is something viral [emoji1]

Hmmm is that a trick question or a chat up line?

After such detail i was expecting the photo of said sherifs badge.

Expecting or hoping

If you switch to wipes, for god sake don’t flush them down. I, er someone I know, did that a bit to vigorously once resulting in a blockage. No amount of flushing or liberal use of a wrong size plunger would shift the beggars.

Ended up calling a plumber in. A bloke who looked uncannily like Ed from Shaun of The Dead turned up. Whipped the u-bend off the sink, and shoved a long cable spooled around a drum thing, then attached a drill and gave it the good news. Cured the blockage, only problem being the speed of the wire turning flung the weeks old excreta of previous customer’s endeavours up my bathroom wall

He wiped some of this off with a manky old towel (no gloves) then flung this into his work tool bag and left.

Still, cured the problem, but lesson learnt. Don’t be a lazy ■■■■

Recovering from cancer of the ■■■■■■ so the whole of Suffollk has seen my chuff. No worries but still makes you think. Just a wee bit. Hoped some georgeous nurse would compliment me on my arse. Jim.

Some threads you just wish you hadn’t read!

Honked:
As we all know, truckers are very prone to suffer from the Farmer Giles, in fact I had a severe case many years ago where a collection of farmers decided it would be a good idea to form an alliance and hold the AGM in Windy Bottom, it required serious negotiations and a promise of self loving aftercare to persuade them to retreat back to home soil.

Which brings me onto my current dilemma, I have recently started to get a familiar but unwanted and sudden sign that something isn’t quite right on the exhaust. It is renown for emitting a noxious gas that can stop a raging elephant in its tracks and nothing has changed in that regard, I still have a regular time to drop the kids off at the pool and my diet has been unchanged for many years. The sign that has brought me to ponder whether another alliance is forming in haste of the EU fallout is the showing of claret on the clean up mission.

Now it’s not gushing like a burst artery but there is enough to increase my heart rate in a slight panic and so far I have managed stem the flow with a good clean and not need worry about walking with a slug trail behind me. So tonight, after my shower, I decided to take a peek a boo.

Option 1, place mirror on floor and squat. The focal distance was not on my side and my readers gave no assistance other than to blur out the very thing I needed to see. If I’m honest I was actually grateful.

Option 2, call the wife upstairs and seek her loyalty in the ‘for better for worse’ promise of many moons ago. Now my wife makes a great sarnie but as an adventurous try anything once girl, she would rather make a nice sarnie. Not the type to play the ■■■■■■■■■■■■■■. Things are looking desperate.

Option 3, use modern technology! Mobile phone camera. Now this is where I can shine! I can take a photo and just pretend it is a capture from 38 minutes into a film And this is where the trouble started, trying to get the right arms length with the right zoom proved to be nightmare. Looking at the screen and thinking you have the money shot fails as you reach for the shutter button. The image looks like budget movie shot on the moon when you were hoping to see the surface of Uranus. My phone has a voice command to take pictures so I activate that, I place the phone on the floor, lower myself into position so I can see the rusty sheriffs badge and shout the voice command ----SMILE

My good lady hears me shouting upstairs and comes up, opens the door to see me naked and squatting over the phone. I start giggling at look on her face and she slams the door and leaves me to it.

The good news is that the farmers are not uniting for an all out strike and I need to be less vigorous with the tissue and think about switching to wipes.