Absolutely hilarious!

HUSBAND 1.0 SOFTWARE

Dear Sirs:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower, and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and Opera Night 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as Poker Night 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1or HouseCleaning 2.6. I’ve tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of limited effectiveness. Can you help please!!!

Jane

Dear Jane,

This is a very common problem women complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed.

Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0 In desperation to play some of their “old time” favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with Husband 1.0. Look in your manual under “Warnings Divorce/Child Support”. You will notice that this program runs very poorly, and comes bundled with HeartBreak 1.3. I recommend you keep Husband 1.0, and just learn the quirks of this strange and illogical system.

Having Husband 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs). This is a wonderful feature of Husband 1.0, secretly installed by the parent company as an integral part of the operating system. Husband 1.0 must assume ALL responsibility for ALL faults and problems, regardless of the root cause. To activate this great feature enter the command “C:\I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME” Sometimes Tears 6.2 must be run simultaneously while entering the command. Husband 1.0 should then run the applications Apologize 12.3 and Flowers/Chocolates 7.8.

TECH TIP!
Avoid excessive use of this feature. Overuse can create additional and more serious GPFs, and ultimately YOU may have to give a “C:\APOLOGIZE” command before the system will return to normal operations. Overuse can also cause Husband 1.0 to default to GrumpySilence 2.5, or worse yet, Beer 6.0 Beer 6.0 is a very bad program that causes Husband 1.0 to create FatBelly files and SnoringLoudly wave files that are very hard to delete. Save your- self some trouble by following this tech tip.

Just remember! The system will run smoothly, and take the blame for all GPFs, but because of this fine feature it can only intermittently run all the applications Boyfriend 5.0 ran. Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. Consider buying additional soft-ware to improve performance. I personally recommend HotFood 3.0, Lingerie 5.3 and Patience 10.1. Used in conjunction, these utilities can really help keep Husband 1.0 running smoothly.

After several years of use, Husband 1.0 will become familiar and you will find many valuable embedded features such as FixesBroken Things 2.1, Snuggling 4.2 and BestFriend 7.6.

A final word of caution! Do NOT, under any circumstances, install MotherInLaw 1.0. This is not a supported application, and will cause selective shut down of the operating system. Husband 1.0 will run only Fishing 9.4 and Hunting 5.2 until MotherInLaw 1.0 is uninstalled.

I hope these notes have helped. Thank you for choosing to install Husband 1.0 and we here at Tech Support wish you the best of luck in coming years. We trust you will learn to fully enjoy this product!"

GIRLFRIEND UPDATE 1.0
Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that it’s a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. He’s finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5 and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even thought they always worked before).

At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.

The features he’d like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:

— A “Don’t remind me again” button

— Minimize button

— An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without loss of cache and other system resources.

— An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware probe feature to be much more useful.

I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, though, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of I/O ports. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, the uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesn’t work very well leaving undesirable traces of the application in the system.

Another thing that ■■■■■ - all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0

BUG WARNING
Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will de3lete MS Money files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.

BUG WORK - AROUNDS
To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.

Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

well fancy that,how many times has this been on here?? or even where it came from ■■

oddsodz:
well fancy that,how many times has this been on here?? or even where it came from ■■

1.pass
2.from my pc

ok if this has been posted before i apologise :-p heheh but here we go anyway lol
HGV HUMOUR
Couple of items related to Heavy Goods Vehicles and HGV Drivers (or at least the car driver’s perception of HGV drivers). These are classic photocopier humour items which are probably older than I am!

HGV THEORY EXAM

QUESTIONS
ANSWERS

When should you use headlights?
To warn mates of speed traps.

When do you overtake on the left (inside)?
When the ( a steward who serves drinks) in front of you won’t move over.

What documents must you take on the road?
The Sun, The Star, The Daily Mirror, ■■■■■■■ and Forum.

When must you stop?
To have a (to lean on the side of the cab ), leg over, fry up or a tot of brandy.

Where should you not park?
Outside the house of the tart you are (being very friendly with).

What do you expect to see on a rural road?
Rural tarmac.

How many types of pedestrian crossings are there?
Two - those who do and those who don’t.

What is the correct procedure for overtaking on the Motorway?
Foot hard down, eyes shut and smile.

When should you use the Fast Lane on the Motorway?
When you are going home on a promise.

What do you do in the event of a breakdown on the Motorway?
Leave the ■■■■ thing and hitch a ride home.

What does a Yellow Box Junction mean?
They have run out of white paint.

What do Broken White Lines mean?
Careless road-painters.

What does the Highway Code say about tyres?
Use only round ones.

When can you cross double white lines in the road?
After 9 lagers, 2 vodkas and a whisky.

How do you avoid drowsiness on the Motorway?
■■■■■ your hitch-hiker.

What must you check before leaving a building site?
That you have enough bricks under the sheet to build a new barbecue.

What do double yellow lines on the side of the road mean?
Chinese Takeaway ahead.

Where do you situate your danger triangle when broken down?
Up the Transport Manager’s ( somewhere sunlight is a rare commidity)

Congratulations. You have just PASSED your HGV Theory Exam.

HGV DRIVERS’ ENGLISH/CONTINENTAL DICTIONARY

A useful glossary of motoring terms for HGV drivers who visit the Continent (i.e. mainland Europe).

ENGLISH
CONTINENTAL EQUIVALENT

Accident
Der Bleedinmess

Bonnet (Hood)
Der Pulnob und Fingerchoppen

Clutch
Die Kuplink mit ashlippen und schaken

Cyclist
Der Peddalpushink Pilloken

Speedometer
Der Egobooster und Linenshooter

Puncture
Die Phlattmitt Bluddyfukken

Learner
Die Twaatten mitt Elplatz

Estate Car
Der Baggeroom fu schaggink inauto

Windscreen Wiper
Der flippenflappen Mukkenschpredder

Footbrake
Der Edbangeron Vindskreen

Gearshift Lever
Biggenstikken fur Kangeroohoppen

Skid
Der Banannen Waltzen

Breathalyser
Die Puffinbag fur Pisterarsen

Headlights
Das Dippendont Dazl-u-Basted

Exhaust (Tailpipe)
Spitzenpoppenhangentuben

Exhaust Fumes
Der Koffen und Schpitternpoluter

Highway Code
Die Wipen fur Aarsen

Fog Warning
Die Puttenleg Downen und Fukkit

Indicators
Die Blinkenleiten Tickentocken

Tyres
Flatfahrts

Traffic Jam
Die Bluddenfukkit Dammundblast

Backfire
Der Lowden Bangen Mekkenjumppen

Juggernaut
Der Fukkengrett Trukken

Seat Belt
Der Klunken Klikken Fraulein Strapper Innen

Near Accident
Der Fukken Nier Schittenselfen

Rear View Mirror
Der Yonkunter ist Tooclosan

Filling Station
Der Heiway Robberung

Fuel Gauge
Der Walletemptyung Meter

Parking Meter
Die Tenner Pinscher und Zlockenarr

Power Assisted Brakes
Der Edbangeronvindschreen Stoppen Dubbelquick

Double White Lines
Overtaken und Krunchen