Moderators may not post this but,I think this is relevant and I’m sure I’m not the only man
With this problem.
This rips me apart .me and my family have come to a point where we have to decide what to do.he,s eighty this year and my mums 73 .
He is a lorry driver by trade all his life and he learnt me all I know ,my mum has looked after him while her and his family of 10 kids and 26 granchildren get on with there busy lives while helping them the best we can.
But the time has come where she can’t do so much anymore and he’s getting to much to handle on her own.while we are caught up in our own responsibilities .
Any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated
Dee.
Is a nursing home the way to go?
I suppose that’s what I’m trying to ask as most of my family think it is.
Firstly I’m sorry to hear that must be hard, my nan had the same the problem is I was only about 15 when she passed away everyone tried looking after her best they could there were days where shed sit and tell me all about the blitz then the next day I’d knock the door say its Karl your grandson and shed say I haven’t got grandchildren it was heart wrenching. The time came when a nursing home was the only way to go problem is I think she had a few years left in her and after 3 months in a nursing home that was it, there’s only so much you can do for him at home there’s only so much your mum can take and it is as unfair on her as the condition is for him but if you go down the root off a home I would brace yourself for him to probsbly become alot worse and quickly as well, sorry if this isn’t really that helpful I hope I never get put in your position but can only speak off experience with my nan hope whatever happens he does well and you have a good ammount off time left with him though.
It happened to my Dad in his final years and it was quite bizarre. He seemed completely normal and lucid but had transgressed to a point in the 1930s, and although he hadn’t been outdoors for months, if I asked him what he had been doing, he would describe a day out, where he had caught a tram at the end of the road, met his friends and gone to watch a football match, he would be able to describe the match as if it was yesterday, he would be able to describe in perfect detail a meal they had had in a cafe afterwards for example, even though this all happened over sixty years ago. This aspect of his illness didn’t bother him at all though and we thought it best to go along with it rather than by trying to correct him. The sad thing was his eyesight failing and losing bodily control.
I’m not sure what best advice would be, other than to just make him as comfortable as possible in the twilight years.
I see ,Harry. His memory was focused on the 1930’s. Next door neighbour ,great guy ,retired rugby player & doctor got Alz’s & is now in a home. Sad.
Whatever you do won’t be easy.
You can’t expect a woman in her 70s to look after him.
Unless one of the children/grandchildren are prepared to essentially take on the task of looking after him full time then a care home is the only option.
You will also have to ‘manage’ the care home to ensure they are looking after him.
Top tip: Get photos of your Dad as a young man and put them in his room. It helps remind the care staff that they are dealing with a person and not just an ‘old’ person. They may be of some comfort to him, too.
Another tip: Get him out in the sunshine and fresh air if you can whenever you can. It’s proven to improve the sense of well-being for people with this condition.Coat, wheelchair, blankets and off you go. Good if the care home has a garden.
Deeireland:
Is a nursing home the way to go?
I suppose that’s what I’m trying to ask as most of my family think it is.
It’s a hard decision but I would say yes. It would take a lot of pressure from your family. Most importantly your Mum who I suspect would welcome and deserves the help.
Good luck to you and your dad mate in whatever you all decide.
Don’t patronise him, Don’t treat him like a baby.
My mum has it, It’s a horrible disease. But you must give them as much dignity and independance as possible.
Let him go and make a brew, Watch from a distance to keep him safe. Ask him what he wants and be patient, Don’t answer for him.
As soon as people start taking over and doing absolutley everything for them, They will deteriorate so quickly.
sorry to hear this
there is an awful lot of people out there with this illness you hear of it more and more
my own mother included, she died a few years ago
I cant tell you what to do
but what you have to remember is to do what is best for your father
not yourself or any other family member
hard I know
I went through the same mental anguish that you are going through
we had looked after her in her own home for three years,after my father died
the heart break and anger of finally realising that we had to do what was best for her and put her in a home
have a long hard look at the homes in your area make sure they have a unit geared for this illness
and remember your father will be looked after and most of all SAFE
the heartbreak is only felt by the family not the person with the illness
your father kept you safe and out of harms way and did what he thought was best when you were unable to do it for yourself when you were a child
sorry but now its your turn,do what’s best for him not you
Unless he needs special medical attention then most care homes and not nursing homes should be able to help especially if they have a designated dementia section/wing
I have sent you a PM because my wife was a 40+ bed care home manager until retiring fairly recently and was the team leader in the dementia wing in that home
Deeireland:
Is a nursing home the way to go?
I suppose that’s what I’m trying to ask as most of my family think it is.
We were in the same boat 10 years ago with my dad,
He was a driver most of his life (used to go out with him when I was a kid) 
He had 8 kids, 10 grandkids.
When he was diagnosed at 75 with Alzheimers my mam tried to care for him (we helped as much as we could), but found it very hard work.
It was agreed that the best option would be to find a nice care home for him.
We did find a nice care home where he was well cared for until he passed away aged 80.
Family of 10 kids and umpteen grandchildren?
Can you not between you sort out some sort of shift system, each taking a weeks holiday if need be to help take over the day to day care of your dad to give your mum some relief, and doing some fill in help in between.
I doubt your mum really wants to see him in a home, so now is the time to pull together.
Treatment front, be open minded about Chinese acupuncture and herbal medicine, and other alternative therapies, Chinese knew their stuff about the mind and body millenia before the west cottoned on, seek recommendations if this is considered and check any practitioner is registered with one of the relevant bodies.
Hi.
This took my father 20 years ago he was just 54. Worked all is life on trucks and me as a kid was at work with him when ever I could get of School. I was about 25 when he pasted away.
It started with him doing all sorts of odd things. The doctors after about 8 year of my mother looking after him he then sorted him to visits hospial once a week to give my mother a break. So he did that for about 2 year and one day he never come home 
He just seemed to forget who we was just before going in to Hosy full time.
So he then stayed in and he just then whent down hill so fast, just never got out of bed and it was like he forgot how to eat. Form a very strong man to nothing and god was it hard on us to watch this. It bring a teaer to my eyes just saying this.
He just turned into skin and bone. The sad day come and just never opened his eyes again.
But I have to say it was the best thing for all. More my Mother than us kids because she would get on the bus 3 times a week to go and see him.
Cheers Peter
I know what you mean, I lost my Dad 26th March last year, he was a lorry driver all his life, up til he was 65 and then retired. He still missed it, and when I needed some jobs done at the company where I was the Transport Manager, I set him up as self employed and gave him the odd day, he loved it. He was eighty two when he passed away, but had been diagnosed with early onset Dementia two years prior. My mum is 78 now and she looked after him brilliantly to the end, terrible disease, i’m in tears writing this.
Sapper
So sorry to hear that your Dad isn’t well - it’s such a cruel illness to suffer from but it also very cruel to witness first hand.
My Mum suffered with Alzheimers for 15 years and passed away 8 years ago. The hardest decision to make was whether to put her into a home or not… All I will do here is try to convey all the thought processes we went through to reach a decision. Our Dad wasn’t around so it fell to us kids…
First and foremost was quality of life and standard of care. We ( us 3 kids ) felt that quality of life was already diminishing quite rapidly but so was the standard of care. As much as we loved Mum, we couldn’t care for her properly - to care for her properly needed specialist training and lots of time…something we didn’t have because of our own lives and families…
Secondly was what Mum would have wanted. She wouldn’t have wanted to be a burden to any of us and although we obviously loved her dearly, it was becoming quite difficult at times… Whether we wanted it to or not, it was starting to impact on our own lives quite considerably - respective partners, children and employers, while completely understanding at the start, were starting to resent being pushed down the line of priority… Mum wouldn’t have wanted that - ever!
The hardest thing to get over was the sense of failure. Mum had brought us up single handedly and we were considering putting her in a home? She managed for us so why can’t we manage for her? The simple fact was that we couldn’t - no more, no less. It took months of discussion to get over this one point and one of my thoughts was very contentious, caused an almighty row but, eventually, my brother and sister agreed with me but it took a long, long time…
The simple fact was, as I saw it - because of the nature of the illness - Mum didn’t know one day from another or one person from another so why would she have a problem moving to another ‘house’ because, for the most part, she didn’t realise or remember where she was anyway. I know that sounds cruel but it is factual… I struggled with it for quite some time before I had the courage to air it to my siblings…
After the decision had been reached, we spent lots and lots of time searching for the right Home for Mum and we KNOW that she was happier and definitely had far better care than she could have had in her own home. The pressure was lifted from us kids so the feelings of resentment that had built up around us instantly disappeared and life was easier and better for everyone directly and indirectly involved - that can only have been a good thing…
Its a ■■■■■■ decision to make and a ■■■■■■ position to be in, through no-ones fault…
I wish you and your family well, whatever you decide
Deeireland:
Moderators may not post this but,I think this is relevant and I’m sure I’m not the only man
With this problem.
This rips me apart .me and my family have come to a point where we have to decide what to do.he,s eighty this year and my mums 73 .
He is a lorry driver by trade all his life and he learnt me all I know ,my mum has looked after him while her and his family of 10 kids and 26 granchildren get on with there busy lives while helping them the best we can.
But the time has come where she can’t do so much anymore and he’s getting to much to handle on her own.while we are caught up in our own responsibilities .
Any thoughts or experiences would be greatly appreciated
Dee.
Sorry to hear that. Have myself short Time ago my Dad who also was Driver all his Life.
But,
Was Weeks ago a Documentary that a Man started remembering from his Life after he got as Present CD’s with oldies of 50’s upwards. With listening that Music seems aslike as reseting his Memory.
My father had this vial disease too but at an early age in His 50’s, it was a total nightmare & He was eventually put in a home, back then they just put people in old folks homes, luckily for My Dad the home started using tranquilisers to subdue Him & eventually thses things lead to His death which was a relief if I’m honest.
This is why i would welcome Euthenasia. Stop the suffering, end of!
bigvern1:
This is why i would welcome Euthenasia. Stop the suffering, end of!its not as simple as that,as suffers usually have moments of lucidity,making it even more heartbreaking.
i have been going through something similar myself recently,and it is very hard to deal with.
I feel for anyone in these situations. I do mean once all hope is lost.