but then…BANG. All over. Why??
Why do some of us just make crap husbands? I was married for nearly 13 years to a good Irish girl. We met in London (where I’m from) and lived there until 2 years ago. We had a beatiful daughter- who is 5 now. Things wern’t going too good for us a while ago so I said to her, let’s move to Ireland. You’ll be back at your home - near your family etc. I’ll adjust,get a job, we’ll start again. An absolute yes was her answer. I felt like I’d just been hit by a steam train when we got here. Completely, completly differant than London. A complete life change was required and I wasn’t prepared for that. Also the fact that the Irish are not quite use to “brown” people moving in on thier land didn’t help my cause. Anyway,instead of getting better between us, it got 100 times worse. I didn’t help things by getting a continental job- but she knew what i was when we started off together and accepted it at the time. The end result to allthis trying again was divorce. Horrible. Heartbreaking. Soul destroying. Especially as there is the most precious little girl involved in all this. Now, I’m stuck in a country which I have grown to hate. No mates. A job which is ok, but when I do get back,almost every second is spent with my daughter. I rent a room which is smaller than my cab. My family says move back, but thats all well and good - when will I see my girl■■? She is the ONLY reason why I’m in Ireland. I hope I haven’t bored you too much. But is anyone in the same boat as me? Why oh why do people like me just make such crap partners? Will anything ever go right for me??
Hi Kenny…
You’re a not a crap partner. You need to stop thinking like that before you can move on. It sounds like you tried to do what would make her happy, and it kicked ya in the (zb) instead. A marriage between people of 2 different countries is EXTREMELY difficult. And I hope Patrick forgives me for throwing some of our personal life on this forum, but I’m gonna anyway.
People think, whether England and Ireland, or England and America, that the cultures are similar enough to adjust to. And thats just not true. Everything is different… the music, food, clothes, holidays, traditions, the language… there isn’t alot thats the same. And the lack of understanding about the differences can cause problems. And stereotypes lead to misconceptions and cause bigger problems. In order for a marriage like that to work, both people have to be very open minded.
I’m American, Pat is English. He’d been here so many times on vacation and loved it, and I couldn’t take my son away from his Dad, so we decided that he’d move here. Vacationing somewhere is a lot different than living there full time. Patrick can be very condescending about things he doesn’t understand… and I get insulted and resentful about that. It’s important to appreciate the cultural differences instead of criticizing them… thats not always easy, and we’re both guilty of it. One way of life isn’t better than the other… just different.
Patricks been here nearly 5 years now… he has a job that he likes, but has practically no close friends. As soon as he speaks in public, people stare, or whisper, or look at him like he has 3 heads…his accent is so thick that I usually have to translate for him, and he rarely talks on the CB at work because he gets nothing but abuse from other drivers… it can be hard. For the most part our marriage is ok, but realistically, me and the kids and my family are the only things he’s got here. He gets homesick… especially around Christmas time. And we’ve come close to splitting up over it. He has 2 grown children who still live in England, and he misses them. We’ve talked about moving over there, arranging permission with the court to move out of the country with my son… but then its just reversed…only it would be worse for me and my son there than it is for him here. And it would be unfair to my son’s father. And to be honest… his kids are old enough to get on a plane and come for a visit if they want to. Uprooting the rest of us for them just isn’t fair to the little ones. A trip to England every couple of years reminds Patrick that his kids are grown and have lives of their own, and that he belongs here with us.
If, God forbid, we ever did break up at this point… he’d be in the same situation as you. He now has American children. He’s raised my son as his own since moving here, and we have a daughter together. As much as he’d want to go home, he’d never leave them. I don’t know how well your exwife cooperates with your visitations, but if every spare minute you have is spent with your daughter, she must be reasonable about it. Have you tried talking to her about visitations if you moved back to London, or would that not be enough? Its hard to miss the every day things… and only see them once in a while. Being that your a truck driver anyway, how often do you actually get to see her? And would it be possible to move back to london and still see her almost as much anyway, since you do continental work?? Maybe you could get a job based in london that has regular runs to Ireland■■?
I think one thing you need to consider is that you’re in a country you hate… with people that you feel don’t accept you. You’re faced with the decision of whether to completely give up your own life and happiness for your daughter, or whether to move home, make a life for yourself that you can be happy in… and try to include her in it as much as possible. It’s a tough decision. On one hand, children are always worth the sacrifice… they didn’t ask for this situation, and as a parent, we’re responsible to them. On the other hand, you can only sacrifice your own life to a certain point… your daughter will grow up and find her own life, just like Patricks kids have, and you’ll have spent your life in a little room in a country you hate. There’s no right answer. You’re the only one that can decide what would be best for both you and your daughter.
I’m sorry this happened to you… Stop beating yourself up for it. It’s not anyone’s fault… these things just happen. I hope thing improve for you.
Women. They’re put here to ruin us. 
Kate,
That was absolutely brilliant 
It seems as though you know me and my life story. Everything you have written is so true. I had a very similar problem except there were 3 countries involved and no children, not ours anyway!
The part about not fitting in in a strange country is very true, different cultures and even religions get in the way.
I was in a country full of “brown” people with a girl from Europe. The United Kingdom is not Europe in this case.
She had her own problems and I don’t suppose I made them much easier when I sold my home to be with her. I had the same difficulty in that I didn’t know anyone else and my friends were people I met in the local bar.
Anyway this is a public forum, and my story is a private one. But you have certainly made me think about it!
Thankyou 
I ignored the post between ours
this is the first time i have read this thread excellent comments and keep up the good work.
your above comments are so right
Hi Kate. Thanks for the kind words of wisdom. I’m obviously not the only one with this kind of problem. I do feel like i’m banging my head against a brick wall at times and I know you cannot put your life on hold completely for a child, but this child is mine and i will do everything to hang on to that - after all it’s the only good thing in my life. If it means I move back to UK then so be it.Ireland is not the other side of the world. Life has always dealt me a bad hand and I just wish that one day my luck would change. Don’t you ever get that feeling? I certainly do not put all the blame on my ex-no way. It took two to mess it up and I’m as guilty as her,but it just seems that the man always gets it rough. Never mind eh. When one door closes…
Thanks again kate.
hi kenny
just to echo what kate said
would your daughter not be happier if her dad was happy to
you may think london is far away from her but it’s not really and you wil happier i think than in a place where you have no real friends or strong family to help you get through what is a very difficut time
you left england for all the right reasons and it didn’t work out for you but no-one can say that you didn’t try for yourself or your family
good luck in whatever you decide.
pam
Why can’t more women be more like Kate and Mrs Mix?
because women like us are a rare breed 
pam
Dratsabasti:
Why can’t more women be more like Kate and Mrs Mix?
Awwwww… nice thing to say 
But then we wouldn’t seem so extraordinarily special, would we■■?
And just so you know… I’m loaded with faults… ask Patrick. He keeps an alphabetized list in his wallet!
I know i am a crap husband i,m selfish , arrogant, pig-headed and cannot be told i am wrong.
The blessing in my marriage is that my wife, after 9 years she still idolises the ground i walk on i can,t do anything wrong, i suppose one of the things she loves is that i ALWAYS tell the truth and i,m straight to the point with her, i had a bit of a fling a year or two ago and she knew all about it she forgave me because of one thing i was honest and told her the truth.
I suppose loads of you would say throw him out hes a bad man but being 100% honest with each other is not easy but i would say its a great strength in a relationship.
AND OH yes your right i wasnt being honest at the time i had the fling but its not something i hid from her.
She has faults and i have faults thats just part of life noe of us are perfect unless yo are my 2 year old daughter who has mastered perfection to a tee unlike my 5 year old son who to be honest is just like me…i need to change that 
jammymutt:
I suppose loads of you would say throw him out hes a bad man but being 100% honest with each other is not easy but i would say its a great strength in a relationship.AND OH yes your right i wasnt being honest at the time i had the fling but its not something i hid from her.
Honesty is everything in a relationship, no matter what the problems are, and affairs aren’t much different. We’re all human, we all make mistakes, and we all have our reasons for them. But if there’s total honesty, then a marriage can survive anything. Its the lying that ruins trust, not necessarily the actions. At least thats my opinion.
I wouldn’t take her too much for granted though Jammy, sounds like ya got yourself a good wife. Forgiving once is one thing… repeat performances aren’t likely to get you the same results.
sounds like ya got yourself a good wife
You certainly have, mate…and a very forgiving one at that. She must love you, that’s for sure!
Personally, I would find an infidelity on any level completely impossible to get over…not from a forgiveness point of view so much as trust. Once someone breaks my trust in that way once I would never be able to trust them again, and that would kill the relationship quicker than anything for me.
I think that once the temptation to cheat arises then it is up to the partner concerned to address the problem and sort it before it’s too late…we all know that no-one cheats unless something is wrong at home, so the answer is to take the temptation as the warning signal, rather than letting it go far enough to become an actuality…
That’s just a personal opinion, however, and may well say more about me than anyone else!!! 
I agree that no one cheats unless there are problems at home. Affairs aren’t the cause of the problems, they’re a result of them. And its up to both to address them and take responsibility for them.
I think the ability to get over it depends on the effort made by both partners. It’s amazing what time (in some cases, ALOT of time) can heal if both are determined to save the relationship. And its easy to say that you won’t put up with it, but its shocking what people put up with in the name of love…I guess we all have to be in the situation before we know how we’ll truly react. Everyone deserves forgiveness once… and a chance to make things right.
Then again… there are people who cheat just because they cheat… just for the thrill or to see if they can get away with it. Those relationships are never worth the effort… and the quicker ya get out of them, the better off you are. Otherwise you look back and realize that you’ve wasted some of the best years of your life on scum. Trust me on that one !!!
I think the ability to get over it depends on the effort made by both partners. It’s amazing what time (in some cases, ALOT of time) can heal if both are determined to save the relationship
Now there lies the rub. Personally, I wouldn’t want to save a relationship with someone who had that little respect for their partner…you have to respect someone to love them, IMHO.
Lucy:
I think the ability to get over it depends on the effort made by both partners. It’s amazing what time (in some cases, ALOT of time) can heal if both are determined to save the relationship
Now there lies the rub. Personally, I wouldn’t want to save a relationship with someone who had that little respect for their partner…you have to respect someone to love them, IMHO.
I don’t know anything about your personal relationship experiences Lucy, but speaking from my own experiences in the past… sometimes the pain of losing the relationship is more severe than the humilitiation of the infidelity. I was with a habitual cheater for years… and I was completely stupid. I forgave him more times than I care to count, and blinded myself in order to avoid the pain. But like I said before… repeat performances tend to harden us, and after a while enough is enough. That said… I still believe that infidelity isn’t always due to a lack of respect for the partner… there can be much deeper reasons for it. Not all men are like my ex, not that men are the only ones capable of infidelity… women are just as likely. Patrick could cheat on me, I could cheat on him…it can happen in the best of relationships. Under the right circumstances, the wrong timing, and a vulnerable state of mind we can all have a lapse in judgement. And if there is true remorse and regret, and an honest, genuine attempt to rectify it, then everyone deserves that chance, at least once. We’re all human and nobody is infallible.